Clutter
by Meredith T. Tasaki
Summary: Little stories, set during the Noah arc. Sort of an attempt at rationalizing the plot. Which, basically? Means everyone is smarter. If that sounds good...
1. Clutter

Note: This is NOT a blooper fic. At least, not exclusively. It's just (in my opinion) things that might have happened if the series took itself just a little more seriously. Might be funny, might be sad, depends what they are. You've been forewarned.  
  
Pretty standard form. (...) are thoughts, and /.../ are Yugi and Yami talking to each other. Only the parantheses are anything unusual.  
  
Spoilers for various "Enter the Shadow Realm" eps; more details at the heading of specific viginettes. Rated PG unless otherwise noted.  
  
1  
  
Spoilers: Um, the one after the one where the blimp first gets hijacked.  
  
Noah Kaiba had finished outlining his horrible plan and was now cackling evilly, causing his audience to huddle in fear. Or so he thought.  
  
Yugi blinked. "So, basically, you want Kaiba's company, and in order to do that, you're going to send us all to a virtual world and make us play Duel Monsters?"  
  
Noah smirked evilly. "Your brilliance astounds me."  
  
Mokuba immediately burst into laughter. Joey stared at Noah for a moment, then joined Mokuba.  
  
"What's so funny?!" Noah demanded.  
  
"Yeah!" Téa and Tristan glared at them all.  
  
"Think about it a sec," Yugi said, fighting giggles. "He's going to try to take over Kaiba's company... by dragging us and Kaiba to a virtual world... and making us play Duel Monsters."  
  
"A modified version!" Noah snapped irrtably. Self-styled evil geniuses never like being laughed at.  
  
Duke got the joke then, and Seto Kaiba couldn't restrain a smirk.  
  
Yugi smiled patiently. "He's going to try to take over KaibaCorp... which does holograms and other virtual technology... by trying to defeat its owner... SETO KAIBA over here... who created a virtual video game the other day and has been beaten at Duel Monsters by about two whole people, one of whom, me, he plans to drag along with Kaiba... and he's going to try to defeat him by dragging him into a virtual world where he will challenge him to a game of Duel Monsters."  
  
"A MODIFIED VERSION!" Noah yelled.  
  
Téa and Tristan immediately got it. "Oh my god!" Téa gasped through her laughter. "That is so STUPID!"  
  
"It's a MODIFIED VERSION, how many times do I have to tell you!!"  
  
"Yugi here catches on to these things very quickly," Duke said, smirking. "Even really modified versions..."  
  
"...Wha?"  
  
Yami sighed to himself, knowing no one but Yugi could hear him. /Has the fool done no research at all?/  
  
"Didn't you look into our histories at ALL?" Yugi asked.  
  
"Of course I did!!!"  
  
/Then why has he chosen the worst possible plan of action?/ Yami asked contemptuously.  
  
"Then why are you doing something so stupid?" Yugi asked.  
  
"This is NOT stupid!"  
  
/It's the most extrordinairily stupid plan I've heard since I can remember!/  
  
"Is so!" Yugi yelled.  
  
/You really don't have to serve as my interpreter here.../  
  
/They were all valid points and they needed to be said. Aloud./  
  
/Whatever.../  
  
"THAT'S IT! Prepare to see for yourselves what a wonderful plan this is!" Noah, extremely aggrieved, hit a button.  
  
Yugi felt a little stupid for taunting him as they fell into Noah's world.  
  
2  
  
Spoilers: Same as above  
  
Notes: Digimon 02 (the second season/main story arc) featured a guy who caled himself the Digimon Emperor, and had a throne room where he watched the other main characters on TV screens as they trapised around the world. You'll recall that Pegasus had a big golden chair and a screen that showed various views of his island.  
  
I own neither Digimon, MST3K, nor the Fab 5.  
  
Yami, having taken over for safety's sake two seconds after they started falling, rose with wary resignation.  
  
"Oh look!" Joey said sarcastically. "A virtual world! I'm sooo scared! Never been in onea these things before!"  
  
"Um... Not all of us have done this before, Joey..." Serenity said nervously.  
  
"Oh yeah, sorry. You'll get used to it. It's like the real world, except weird junk happens and you can do the strangest things if y'think you can. Oh yeah, and the... what's the word..."  
  
"Megalomaniac," Serenity supplied.  
  
"Yeah, 'cept him."  
  
"Oh, this world is not going to be that easy to adapt to!!"  
  
Joey sighed. "Aw great, it's Cap'n Cliché again."  
  
"MY PLAN IS NOT CLICHED!!!" Noah yelled.  
  
"Yeah, go on telling yourself that, we don't mind," Téa said, waving him away.  
  
"I mind," Tristan said.  
  
"Me too," said Duke.  
  
"Shut up! Anyway. You are in MY world now."  
  
"Hmm," Yami said cooly. "I must say, it's kept up a lot nicer than a lot of the other worlds I've seen."  
  
"Are you knocking my game?" Kaiba demanded.  
  
"Actually, I was referring to the Shadow Realm, but your game was rather awful as well."  
  
"The Shadow what?" aksed Noah.  
  
Yami rolled his eyes. "Do you have even the slightest idea how bad your research team is?"  
  
"Oh no, I know when I'm being tricked. 'Shadow Realm'... Nice try, but you're just pretending you've been more places than you have."  
  
Yami rolled his eyes. "I am forced to give up when faced with your unwavering powers of perception," he said sarcastically.  
  
"...Right. Good."  
  
Kaiba snorted and muttered a name under his breath; nobody was quite sure what he said, but since Mokuba smacked his arm, they correctly assumed that it was denigrating and rude.  
  
"You are about to face the most difficult challenges of your pathetic little lives!!" Noah cried evilly, back into his stride.  
  
"Somehow I doubt it," Tristan said drily.  
  
"Yeah, even if it's actually really hard for us, it oughta be a walk in the park for Yugi." Joey rolled his eyes. "Moron."  
  
"STOP INTERUPPTING!!"  
  
"Sorry, we've been watching too much MST3K," Serenity said quickly.  
  
"...What?"  
  
She grinned. "Yay! One point for me!"  
  
"Um, S'renity, we don't know what you're talking about either."  
  
She blinked. "It's this show where this guy and two robots are forced to watch really bad movies, and they mock them."  
  
"...Oh," Joey said, and still didn't get it.  
  
Serenity sighed.  
  
"The only thing you will be forced to watch today is your defeat!!"  
  
"And how, pray tell, do you intend to defeat us?" Yami asked, sounding tired. "A tournament?"  
  
"Gotta be that, or he's got some people he hired to try and beat us for him," Mokuba said.  
  
"... You will be fighting the Fab 5!" Noah yelled.  
  
"I thought we were the Big 5!" a voice cried.  
  
"I thought we were the Top 5!" someone else said, sounding confused.  
  
"I know it wasn't the Fab five..." another voice said.  
  
"We're fighting those fashion guys from that TV show?" Serenity asked blankly.  
  
"The Big Five!" Noah corrected himself quickly.  
  
"Hmm," Yami said, sounding impressed.  
  
"Yes, my plan IS astoundingly good," Noah said proudly.  
  
"That was very good, Mokuba," Yami continued. "He DID hire people. You're getting good at this."  
  
"Yeah, well, getting good at this sucks." Mokuba pouted.  
  
"I'm very aware of that, trust me."  
  
"Don't you even want to know who the Big Five are?!"  
  
"No, not really," Kaiba said.  
  
"They're the people who tried to take over the company!!"  
  
Mokuba snorted. "Oh yeah, like THAT narrows it down."  
  
"We get two hostile takeovers a week," Kaiba clarified testily. "You'll have to be a bit more specific than that."  
  
Noah paused, obviously a bit daunted. "I think they worked with a guy named Pegasus, but I'm not quite sure..."  
  
"Don't bother. I don't care. Let's just get on with this stupid plan of yours so I can get back to--"  
  
"Your own stupid plan," Yami finished.  
  
"Yeah, well--" Kaiba said, flustered. "At least I stand a chance of beating you!"  
  
"Only in your dreams, or on top of another tall building," Yami retorted.  
  
Mokuba blinked. "What was the tall building crack about?"  
  
"Nothing, nothing," Kaiba said quickly. "And I'll get YOU later," he hissed at Yami.  
  
"Of course..." Yami rolled his eyes.  
  
"The Big Five have something very special in store for you!"  
  
"Cake?" Tristan asked hopefully.  
  
"NO! They're going to steal your bodies so they can return to the real world!!" Noah yelled.  
  
"...Oh," said Kaiba.  
  
"Well. That sucks," Mokuba commented lightly.  
  
/Oh for God's sakes, it's crowded enough in here as it is.../  
  
/I think they intend to make us leave, Yugi./  
  
/...Oh./  
  
"Oh no they aren't!!" Téa said angrily.  
  
Joey thought for a second. "Yeah, like that ain't even a little clichéd..."  
  
"It isn't clichéd at all!!"  
  
Joey snorted. "Yeah, as if! Y'know, I bet you're sittin' on some stupid throne-lookin' chair right now, with a kajillion different television screens watchin' all these different places in this stupid worlda yours, aren't ya?"  
  
There was a very flustered silence.  
  
"Oh my god, you ARE sittin' in some stupid throne-lookin' chair with a truckload of television screens!!" Joey cried.  
  
"Dude! Now he's stealing from Digimon!" Tristan cried.  
  
"And Pegasus!" Tèa cried.  
  
"And like every animé on the planet!" Serenity finished.  
  
"But Digimon!" Tristan cried. "I mean, of all the things to get clichés from--"  
  
"ENOUGH!!" Noah roared, and in an instant they were spead across the lands.  
  
/Okay,/ Yugi said, /at least now we know what his buttons are, even if we ARE all seperated and everybody could get killed without us and get their bodies stolen and--/  
  
/Yugi! Stop. They'll be fine. And I think, more accurately, we just gave him a new button./  
  
/How do you know they'll be fine?!/  
  
/Because... first off, we're all lunatics, and that will work in our favor; also, we're all determined and vaguely psychic lunatics, which will work in our favor as well; and lastly, should one of this Noah's idiots actually defeat one of our friends, both Noah and the idiots will live to regret it. I have a talent for soul-shuffling, in case you haven't noticed.../  
  
/Um... okay, then... Wait. What did you mean about the vaguely psychic part?/  
  
/Well, of course I didn't mean you, you're quite a lot more than 'vaguely' psychic--/ Yami said, misunderstanding.  
  
/WHAT?!?!/  
  
/This SURPRISES you??/  
  
/Well YES!/  
  
Someone coughed behind them, and Yami spun around.  
  
"If you could possibly find your way out of the thoughts you're lost in...though I don't know how they could possibly not be crushed by that load of hair..." a voice said from a pond.  
  
/Sorry, there's a "Big Five" member over there, we'll have to finish this later./  
  
/Just make sure there is a "later", 'kay?/  
  
/Don't I always?/  
  
Yugi smiled.  
  
3  
  
Spoilers: After Yami finishes his duel in the virtual world  
  
Notes: Don't worry, you haven't missed anything. The "posse" is a pet idea of mine, which started when I read a "Dilbert" strip. I stuck them briefly into another fic of mine once, called "A Little Italian Restaraunt"-- but I shouldn't go on too long about it. Don't worry, they won't show up here.  
  
"Never speak of this to anyone, ever," Yami said quietly.  
  
Yugi stopped running down the strange tunnel for a moment. "What? Why? You beat him..."  
  
"By an embarassingly slim margin."  
  
"You still beat him!"  
  
"He was calling his monsters 'employees' and rambling on about lemonade stands! It wasn't exactly my proudest victory!"  
  
"Still, he was pretty good at the beginning there."  
  
"It was still embarassing."  
  
Yugi sighed. "All right, all right." He paused. "But while we're on the subject, exactly why did we choose Kuriboh as our deck-master thingy?"  
  
Yami shrugged. "The hell of it."  
  
"Yes, but why?"  
  
"Mmm... How about I tell you that it was as a protest against being forced to battle psycho egomaniac world-domination junkies twice a week?"  
  
"... 'World-domination junkies'?!"  
  
"Don't look at me, I didn't coin it. It just seems to have caught on. It's a good description, isn't it?"  
  
"Well, I guess so... But it still sounds weird..."  
  
"Which would be because strange people came up with it."  
  
"Who would that be?"  
  
"Mokuba's posse."  
  
"Mokuba's WHAT?"  
  
"Posse. Group of people who follow him around for no discernable reason."  
  
"What, you mean paparazzi?"  
  
"No, no, they're friends. But Captain Cliché is undoubtably listening in--or he will be."  
  
"Yeah, sounds like something he'd do," Yugi sighed. "Any way these friends could help us?"  
  
"Well, they'll know that we were diverted... And they have certain technical skills that could be very helpful... But Noah's insane plan is probably elaborate enough to keep them from doing much good."  
  
"Are you saying that because it's true, or are you saying it because Captain Cliché might be listening?" Yugi asked warily.  
  
"Mmmm... Both."  
  
"Okay. We should probably get going, then."  
  
"Why? This tunnel isn't going to lead anywhere he doesn't want to take us..."  
  
"Yeah, well, maybe we can do something he doesn't expect when we get there."  
  
"He has been consistently underestimating the hell out of us..." Yami said thoughtfully.  
  
"And you know the trouble with foolproof plans..." Yugi grinned.  
  
"Fools are so damned ingenius." Yami smiled faintly. "All right. Lead on."  
  
4  
  
Spoilers: The one after the one above. Or, the first Lunatic who Really Likes Penguins ep.  
  
Notes: "Quod Erat Demonstrandum" is usually shortened to QED. The phrase is Latin for "what was to be proved", and is used at the end of logical arguments and mathematical proofs when you've proven what you set out to prove. How counterintuitive. There is your Practical Latin Lesson of the Day. Don't say this was a COMPLETE waste of time.  
  
"DAMN it!!" Yugi cried, as they found themselves in the same room yet again.  
  
"Does that mean we can stop trying to get somewhere now?" Yami asked.  
  
Yugi glared at him, but dropped to the floor, and sat there with his head to the ground.  
  
"First of all, that might not even be Téa. Second of all, even if it is, you can be sure that Captain Cliché is editing out all the parts where she yells defiance and makes very good moves. Third... Well, I'm not sure I should bring up the third."  
  
Yugi looked up. "Why, what's the third?" he asked, suspiciously.  
  
"The third has to do with that psychic thing you weren't too happy about."  
  
"It's not that I wasn't happy about it, I was just shocked. NOW I'm not too happy about it."  
  
"Ah. Sorry. Not that it makes much difference."  
  
Yugi paused. "But what's my allegedly being psychic got to do with anything?"  
  
"All right, first, let's get rid of that 'allegedly'. For heaven's sake, you're talking to me. You can see me right now. That takes psychic ability."  
  
Yugi didn't look convinced.  
  
"And..." Yami thought. "Remember that time when Téa was dueling Mai? Though you might not, you were quite preoccupied with berating me for being evil and and attempting to get us all killed by refusing to let me help you..."  
  
Yugi glared at him.  
  
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I think I deserve to be a little angry at that..."  
  
"I'm not so sure, but I don't think this is a good time to argue about it. Yes, I remember. What about it?"  
  
"Harpie's Featherduster."  
  
Yugi blinked. "What about it?"  
  
Yami stared at him. "Think about it."  
  
Yugi let out a breath, irritated. "Mai had it on the field, and she could have beaten Téa if she'd used it, but she didn't. What's the point?"  
  
"And how, pray tell, did you know she had Harpie's Featherduster?" Yami said calmly.  
  
Yugi blinked again. "...She said she did."  
  
"And you heard her, from one of those ridiculously tall dueling towers?"  
  
Yugi blinked rapidly. "It was pretty loud..."  
  
"Then why didn't Téa or anyone else hear it?"  
  
"Téa was too far away..."  
  
"But nobody else heard it, did they? Joey, at least, would have known enough to remark upon it, even then..."  
  
"......Oh my God..."  
  
"The Soul Room things, you could blame me for," Yami said calmly. "That time when we weren't dueling Seto Kaiba... That you could blame me for. This, you can't. This... was entirely you."  
  
Yami smiled and ruffled Yugi's hair. "You're psychic, kid. But don't worry, your friends will get over it. And some people would even call it cute."  
  
"...You're scaring the hell out of me."  
  
"Sorry." Yami stopped ruffling his hair, not wanting to admit that he was scaring himself a little bit as well.  
  
"Then why the hell are you doing it?!"  
  
Yami blinked, then smiled. "And it took you this long to figure it out, hmm?"  
  
"...Oh. Dear." He coughed.  
  
"Anyway, this leads to point number three. You gave Téa some very good advice before you regained consciousness."  
  
"What?!"  
  
"When we first got in here, you were stunned for a minute. You took the opportunity to visit Téa in her dreams and tell her she'd need the Dark Magician Girl card."  
  
"...Oh. Good for me, then. Is the Dark Magician Girl reliable?"  
  
"As the desert is wet," Yami replied easily.  
  
"Oh, good, then--WHAT?!?!"  
  
"But she's fairly responsible in serious situations! Also, I'm positive she's mellowed. A little."  
  
Yugi was clearly not happy. "--Oh my God, Captain Cliché."  
  
"He won't believe us because we know he's listening and are plainly trying to scare him."  
  
"Oh, come on, could even he be that stupid?"  
  
"We wouldn't tell him the truth... unless we knew he wouldn't believe it... And we wouldn't hint that we were telling the truth if we were... Unless we were just trying to play with his mind... and if we were trying to play with his mind, we wouldn't be telling the truth... This is the way that world-domination junkies think."  
  
"You're right. He's trying to beat Seto Kaiba by pulling him into virtual reality and making him play Duel Monsters. Virtual reality is, according to Mokuba, the ONLY kind of reality that Kaiba can adaquately deal with. He's also dragged us along for the ride, when we have not only beaten Kaiba at Duel Monsters, but have also beaten the only other person who ever beat Kaiba at Duel Monsters. Quod erat demonstrandum..."  
  
"He is that stupid."  
  
Yugi nodded. "Okay. That's always good to know. Should we try to get out of here again?"  
  
"I don't suppose it could do any harm..."  
  
"Then let's." Yugi picked up his coin, stood, and resolutely threw it at a door.  
  
5  
  
Spoilers: ...The first Noah episode and the episode where Kaiba tests his "god card".  
  
Notes:  
An abstract is basically a summary.  
  
This is based on my personal theory of Mokuba, which has been oddly vindicated in these new episodes. Huh.  
  
"What the hell is your problem?!" Kaiba yelled, after a long silence.  
  
"Oh, God, how much time do you have." Mokuba's voice was low and shaking with black humor. Seto had never heard it quite like that before.  
  
"Well, we've got time, until that idiot figures out that making us stand around here isn't doing him any good. Why don't you give me an abstract."  
  
Mokuba was silent for a moment. "You don't smile anymore."  
  
"Oh, for God's sake, not that again!!" Seto turned around. "You don't smile anymore, you aren't giddily happy like when we were kids and didn't have companies to run..."  
  
"You don't smile anymore," Mokuba said, gaining momentum, "and you don't care about me."  
  
"I WHAT??" Seto gaped at him. "I don't care about you? Then what am I doing this for? Why am I--"  
  
"Running a company day and night and not delegating nearly as many tasks as you could, sending engineers to learn about magic and research the Shadow Realm so you can beat Yugi, organizing these crazy damned tournaments so you can beat Yugi and get some stupid 'God Cards'--"  
  
"This tournament isn't crazy--"  
  
"Testing out these 'God cards' without the safeties on--!"  
  
"I--didn't know you saw that."  
  
"I was right there, TALKING to you!! What the hell are you, deaf?!"  
  
"I--"  
  
"And then what do you do! You fight a computer and give it your deck, set it on maximum difficulty and take off the safeties, practically try to get killed--"  
  
"I wouldn't have gotten killed!" What the hell was wrong with Mokuba? Nothing had happened, nothing would have!  
  
"Oh really?! Why the hell not?! 'Cause you're just that good, no one can beat you, except Yugi, and the first five times were just a fluke, you'll get him yet!! But why did you take off the stupid safeties?!?!"  
  
"I--"  
  
"Don't tell me it was to be 'realistic'. That's trash. You and I both know it. Do you even know why you tested it without the safeties?"  
  
"I..." He swallowed. "I..."  
  
"What, was it the adrenaline rush? Might have been. Might have been something else. Thing is, I don't think you even know."  
  
"Of course I know!! I--"  
  
"You don't even know anymore, but don't tell me--don't tell me--don't EVER tell me you were doing it for me!!"  
  
Seto stood there for a minute, genuinely shocked--by Mokuba yelling--by what he had said--by the look on his face....  
  
It was the virtual world; it wouldn't last. Just some psychosis induced by that idiot Noah. When he got to that fool...  
  
"Come on," he said, and started off across the grasslands.  
  
Mokuba blinked, shocked that Seto had written off the outburst he'd been holding for so long so quickly. What the hell was wrong with Seto?  
  
"Are you coming?" Seto snapped, not stopping.  
  
Mokuba looked after him a second longer... then ran to catch up, his mind and soul a mass of swirling shadows. Seto didn't love him anymore...  
  
6  
  
Spoilers: Um... If Tristan and Duke are trapped in a big brick room and are trying to get out, it's a tad early.  
  
Notes:  
In case you didn't know, "The West Wing" is real, and I don't own that either. Sadly. ;  
  
I don't think Serenity is too out-of-character... ; Remember, she's been putting up with quite a while of this...  
  
(Please, God,) Serenity prayed, (let something happen soon, let us find Joey, let us find anybody, let somebody attack us for all I care, but please!)  
  
"Are you crazy?!"  
  
"No I'm not! Come on, look, there's a path there and everything!"  
  
"I don't want to go anywhere in this place that this Noah laid a path to."  
  
"We can handle Noah! We can't handle that hike! Anyway, if he wants to do somethin' to us, we can't stop him just by going a different direction. I've been in one of these things before."  
  
"So... Either of you guys ever watch 'The West Wing'?" Serenity tried weakly.  
  
"So? It's just basic sense that--"  
  
"Oh, like you have any basic sense," Tristan snapped.  
  
"It's a really great show," Serenity continued, mainly to herself.  
  
"Hey!"  
  
"We got out of that prison thing, didn't we?"  
  
"Yes! But you think this Noah guy is stupid?"  
  
Tristan laughed shortly. "I've never met anyone who tried to duel Yugi who wasn't."  
  
"And this 'Josh Lyman' character? He's really damn cute," Serenity said, more sure that they wouldn't hear.  
  
"HEY!!!" Duke yelled.  
  
"Oh, yeah, 'cept you, of course." Tristan waved his hand dismissively.  
  
"Do you have any idea how that gesture made you look?"  
  
Tristan narrowed his eyes. "Whaddaya mean?"  
  
"They have some really, really great episodes."  
  
"I'm stupid, and you're so smart; figure it out," Duke snapped.  
  
"Like this one called "The Two Cathedrals"," Serenity said, getting more comfortable with talking to herself. "Really well-written."  
  
"Are you saying what I think you're saying?" Tristan asked, voice gone low and dangerous.  
  
"I don't know, but given how smart you are, I'm just not sure." Duke glared at him.  
  
"I think the second cathedral is supposed to be that place at the end, but I'm not completely sure. Probably it makes more sense to Americans."  
  
"You think I'm stupid, don't you."  
  
"Well, you already said you think I am."  
  
"Go on. Say it. You think I'm stupid."  
  
"I think you're damn stupid," Duke snapped.  
  
"That's it!"  
  
"PEOPLE!!!" Serenity screamed. "FOR GOD'S SAKE!! SHUT YOUR DAMN TRAPS!!!"  
  
Duke and Tristan stopped cold, fists still raised, in full battle stance.  
  
"We're going THAT way," Serenity said, pointing a direction that neither Tristan nor Duke had argued for. "We're going that way, and you are shutting the hell up. Do you hear me?"  
  
They gaped at her.  
  
"DO YOU HEAR ME?!"  
  
"Yes'm!" They said quickly.  
  
"Good! Now let's go!!"  
  
Serenity waited for the boys to lead the way and sighed. (I'll never understand those women who like admirers. I've only got two here; three or more would drive me completely insane...)  
  
"You think we should look for food?" Tristan asked, after a few minutes.  
  
"This isn't even real. Why would we want food that isn't real?"  
  
"I don't think we're real either. Not here, at least."  
  
"Yeah, but why would we get hungry?"  
  
"'Cos I dunno about you, but it's been a while since I ate."  
  
"So how would fake food help? Could we starve in this place?"  
  
Tristan shrugged. "Hell if I know. I dunno if we're really here or what. I guess time still passes... This place is virtual, not magical or anything..."  
  
"Yeah, I don't get the metaphysics of this place, either."  
  
Serenity sighed to herself in relief. Thank God, they were getting along. And if they started fighting again... well. A three-hour lecture on the plot and characters of 'Sailor Moon' should teach them, and good...  
  
7  
  
Spoilers: The Lunatic who Really Likes Penguins episode. Again. They're still stuck there.  
  
Notes:  
When you get to the movie reviews thing, think "Minority Report".  
  
Yami's got his math down. Surprisingly high-level math, too. Think of it as a Calculus preview.  
  
"Yami?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"You think maybe if we started singing a--"  
  
"No, Yugi."  
  
"You don't even know what I was going to say!"  
  
"Yes, actually, I do know what you were going to say."  
  
"Oh really? What was it, then?"  
  
"You were going to ask if I thought that singing 'One Hundred Bottles of Beer on the Wall' might provoke Noah into letting us go somewhere that isn't here."  
  
"..."  
  
"Well?"  
  
"No, you were wrong. I was going to suggest something else."  
  
"Indeed."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"What was it, then?"  
  
"..."  
  
"I couldn't hear you."  
  
"...Tougrebotts."  
  
"What?"  
  
"'Ten Thousand Green Bottles", are you happy now?!"  
  
"Oh, a different version of "Beer on the Wall"?"  
  
"YES! Stop gloating!"  
  
"I hadn't started yet."  
  
"Well, you were going to!!"  
  
"Indeed I was, but was it morally justified to stop me before I had a chance to actually do it?"  
  
"...You were reading movie reviews again, weren't you."  
  
"I feel I need to know something about the world I live in."  
  
"And reading movie reviews helps how, exactly?"  
  
"...Many experts say that these 'movies' are a reflection of society."  
  
"Why couldn't you read the driver's manual or something? Then you could pass the test and drive us all around."  
  
"HELL no!"  
  
"Well, I see your point a little, I guess... How about high-school things, so you can take that test and get your diploma?"  
  
"I do that in my spare time as well."  
  
"Oh, really."  
  
"Yes, really."  
  
"When you obviously spend so much time with the movie reviews?"  
  
"You doubt my word?"  
  
"In this case, yes."  
  
"Define the derivative of a function."  
  
"..."  
  
"See?"  
  
"You're bluffing."  
  
"How?"  
  
"Either there's no such thing or you don't know it either."  
  
"It's the rate of change of a function. Look it up."  
  
"And what is a 'function', then?"  
  
"It's... where you have a formula that you can plug numbers into and get a number in return, or something."  
  
"... I might believe you... But I'm checking that out."  
  
"You do that."  
  
"...Hey, you never answered the question."  
  
"What question?"  
  
"If you thought that singing--"  
  
"No."  
  
"No?"  
  
"It wouldn't help us in the least."  
  
"... But we've got to do something!"  
  
"Why don't you throw that coin at the doors again?"  
  
"You're mocking my great strategy."  
  
"No I'm not."  
  
"You're mocking my strategy, Yami. I can tell when you're mocking my strategy."  
  
"It hasn't gotten us anywhere, has it?"  
  
"But it's still a good strategy!"  
  
"If it hasn't worked after twenty attempts, then it really ceases to be a good strategy."  
  
"...Shut up!"  
  
"What, because I'm saying something you don't like? Are you against free speech, Yugi?"  
  
"Okay, that's it! You're not allowed to use the Internet ever again!!"  
  
"What?!"  
  
"You were mocking my strategy!!"  
  
"I was not!"  
  
"You were so!"  
  
"Arguing with each other over nothing isn't getting us anywhere either!"  
  
"...Oh. We just...turned on each other a bit, didn't we?"  
  
"No, we just argued briefly."  
  
"That was his plan, wasn't it?"  
  
"A try-to-rip-the-friends-apart thing? It's clichéd enough for him..."  
  
"And we fell for it."  
  
"We argued. Sweet sake, Yugi, it's not as if you tried to kill me, or as if we were arguing about anything serious..."  
  
"..."  
  
"You thought that was a serious argument?! You accused me of 'mocking your plan'!! That's not even an argument, that's -- playing with words! Lord!"  
  
"Eh... Yeah, you've got a point there."  
  
"If he wanted us to do something, he would be trying to get us so angry at each other that we couldn't ignore it long enough to play a duel. Just how easy do you think that is?"  
  
"Not very, yeah..."  
  
"I mean, if I put up with Téa..."  
  
"Hey! Téa's fighting for her life out there!! Don't diss her!"  
  
"Then you don't "diss" her by thinking that she can't win a match against an insane accountant penguin. You know she can handle that! Particularly with the Dark Magician Girl's advice! Stop worrying so much and trust in her dueling competence!"  
  
"...Yeah, I guess you're right."  
  
"It's a talent I have."  
  
"Nhh... Heeey, how do you know what a penguin is?"  
  
"... I don't."  
  
"So why are you so sure that Téa can beat it?"  
  
"...The word sounds funny."  
  
"Yes, but for all you know, it could be a huge, saber-toothed dragon thing!"  
  
"It's not."  
  
"How do you know?"  
  
"...Because you do."  
  
"What?"  
  
"You think the idea of her battling a giant penguin is ridiculous. So I know that it is, too."  
  
"But how?"  
  
"I don't know... some way. The same way that I'm not speaking in Egyptian. I know... what you know, I suppose."  
  
"...Then why don't you know what a penguin is?"  
  
"It isn't important?"  
  
"We need help..."  
  
"From whom?"  
  
"...Yeah."  
  
"Exactly."  
  
"I'm going to go throw the coin at another door now."  
  
"Go right ahead."  
  
"So don't mock my strategy while my back is turned."  
  
"I won't."  
  
"Because if you do, I'll let the monster get you."  
  
"Oh, a dragon with 300 life-points, I'll need a whole lot of luck to defeat that..."  
  
"Sarcasm does not become you."  
  
"Oh, I think it does."  
  
"Whatever, Yami, whatever..."  
  
() 


	2. More

8  
  
Spoilers: If Duke and Tristan are trapped somewhere, you're too early.  
  
Notes:  
Not really necessary, but... In Douglas Adams' book 'Life, the Universe, and Everything', you can learn to fly by falling and forgetting to hit the ground. In the Star Trek episode "Spectre of the Gun", the crew is trapped in a Wild-West place that isn't actually real and forced to get into a gunfight. When they know for certain that it isn't real, the guns don't do them any harm.  
  
"But what if it's poison?!" Duke yelled.  
  
"It isn't real! How the hell could it be poison?!"  
  
"How could we get wet? How could we be hungry? How could we jump off a building?"  
  
"How did we do that, anyway?" Tristan asked suddenly.  
  
"Um... I'm not sure, actually."  
  
"That was pretty high up."  
  
"Yeah, that should have hurt us a lot more than it did."  
  
"Maybe because you weren't expecting to be hurt?" Serenity suggested.  
  
They turned to her, staring blankly.  
  
"Maybe nothing can happen in here unless you expect it to. Like, if a branch hits you in the face--"  
  
"Stop rubbing it in," Tristan muttered, going red.  
  
"--then you expect it to hit you and hurt. But if you didn't know about the branch, maybe it wouldn't hurt, or would just go through you."  
  
"Hmm," Duke said thoughtfully. "That makes sense. Like Douglas Adams."  
  
"Like that old episode of Star !" Tristan cried.  
  
"But it'd be hard to not expect these things..."  
  
"Like in Star Trek," Tristan said, nodding. "Too bad we don't have Mr. Spock here."  
  
"... You are such a dork."  
  
"Oh yeah?! You worshipped Pegasus!!"  
  
"And what's wrong with that?!"  
  
"Na na na na na!!" Serneity clapped loudly. "Entrails, nose, quiet?"  
  
"Yes'm." They very quickly subsided.  
  
(Now if I can just get them home alive...)  
  
"What about the fruit?" Tristan asked.  
  
"Why ask for trouble?"  
  
"No, I say we should eat it. Can't hurt us if we don't think it's poison."  
  
"But we do think it's poison."  
  
Serenity sighed.  
  
9.  
  
Spoilers: Noah episode in which Joey gets into a duel.  
  
Joey was starting to really, really hate castles.  
  
(I mean, god's sakes, man! Lookit all this junk! You got the fancy furniture, an' all the stupid paintings, and the fancy moulding and junk... If I get rich? No castle for ME, man. I'm just gonna buy some fairly big house on a beach somewhere. Or a mansion.)  
  
(Hell. Like I'm ever gonna have t'worry about THAT. Yeaaah, and aliens've been making them crop circles. Suuure.)  
  
Joey sighed, headed down another corridor. (Place is a freakin' maze... "Use your head, Joey"... Labyrnith. Yeah, oughta be sophisticated enough for Ma. Got the whole Greek thing and all. With the myths, and the... huh...)  
  
Joey furrowed his brow. (What was that myth about again? Some guy an' some bull-thing... Oh yeah! Kid's kingdom has to pay ransom to this other kingdom by givin' em some people for this monster to eat. Kid decides to try and beat th' monster, and volunteers to be part of the ransom. So he goes, and they tell him to go into this big maze. They figure he'll never find the way out, an' the monster'll eat him. But what they don't know is this girl who's got the hots for 'im gave him a thread or somethin' so he could figure out th' way he came.)  
  
(Damn, wish I'd thoughta that. I think I've been in this hallway twice.)  
  
He stopped and studied a picture. (Okaaay, five times. Let's try turnin' right...)  
  
(Makes y'wonder, though... If this is the labyrnith, where's the monster?...)  
  
Joey was rapidly losing patience with this whole stupid little game. He yelled something-- he wasn't sure exactly what afterwards-- and kicked the wall...  
  
...which crumbled.  
  
"Whoa. Cheap wall," he commented.  
  
And crumbled some more.  
  
"Really cheap wall," he said, just a little incredulous. But he forgot that immediately when he saw a big brass door.  
  
(Hell, if it gets me outta this stupid castle, why not?) he thought, and yanked it open.  
  
(Hot damn! The blimp!) Yeah, right there in front of him was the stupid KaibaCorp blimp that had started all this trouble in the first place. All right! They could get out of this stupid place now! Probably everyone else, being smarter then he was, had already found it.  
  
(Hope S'renity didn't get stuck with Tristan an' Duke,) he thought as he ran into the blimp. (Someone'd probably die. Actually, prob'ly all of 'em, 'cause Serenity's fair that way and if anything happened ta her, the other two wouldn't last long...)  
  
The blimp was empty.  
  
(Suspiciously empty,) Joey groaned to himself. (Dammit! If this place ain't real, then this blimp prob'ly ain't either. DAMN! Now Cap'n Clich'll think I'm a moron!)  
  
(Wait. Would that be a bad thing?) He slowed down just a little. (Onea the reasons I beat Weevil, besides that he completely sucks, was 'cos he thought I was a moron. He let me have facedown cards, he thought I made rookie mistakes... Yug' wouldn't'a gotten away with any of that, everyone knows that Yug' can do that stuff.)  
  
(So maybe I should pretend I don't realize this is all fake, an' let 'em all think I'm that stupid if they will. Then I can do somethin' smart an' show 'em up!)  
  
Joey beamed, proud of himself for coming up with a strategy. ('Course, it's probably not gonna work... )  
  
Little did Joey know that he'd just discovered one of the main strategies of dueling: being underestimated was arguably the most powerful advantage in the game. Neither did he know that it was a strategy his mentor Yugi used far more often than he could admit. There were plenty of things that Joey didn't know... But fortunately for him, he was a damn quick learner...  
  
10.  
  
Spoilers: Joey v. Idiot Lawyer Man, over custody of the body  
  
/The hell was that?/  
  
/What was what, Yami?/ Yugi asked, very quickly.  
  
/Why on earth did you give her your coat like that?!/  
  
/'Cause it's cold out here!/  
  
/Exactly! It's cold out here, which is why you should have kept the thing./  
  
/It's called politeness, chivalry. It's the right thing to do!/  
  
/So you think that she can't handle the cold as well as you can?/  
  
/Well, yeah!/  
  
/Isn't that just a little insulting?/  
  
/Um... Well, she's not complaining..../  
  
/Of course not, she gets a jacket out of it while you try to get her not to notice that you're jumping around shivering!/  
  
/Um... what?/  
  
/This puts many things into perspective. That 'women's movement' thing.../  
  
/After your time./  
  
/Yes, back in my day, we didn't give women our coats./  
  
/God in heaven, Yami! Back in your day, you didn't even HAVE coats!!/  
  
/All right, you have a point, but I still think you're letting her use you terribly./  
  
/YAMI!/  
  
/Oh, right, sue me for missing a few thousand years of the evolution of protocol./  
  
/You told me yourself you know what I know!!/  
  
/... What are we talking about?/  
  
/I don't know, you lost me about twenty minutes ago./  
  
/Weren't we still in that maze twenty minutes ago?/  
  
/What maze?/  
  
/The, the thing, with the doors and the same room over and over again./  
  
/Yeah, what about it?/  
  
/Um... We were still in it twenty minutes ago./  
  
/Were we?/  
  
/I think so.../  
  
/Why were we talking about the maze?/  
  
/Um, I think it had to do with women's rights./  
  
/The hell were we talking about that for?/  
  
/Since when do you say stuff like 'the hell'?/  
  
/Since when do you say 'stuff'?/  
  
/Since when... Where are we again?/  
  
/What were we talking about?/  
  
/No, where the hell are we?!/  
  
/Don't we know?!/  
  
/I think we.../  
  
"Hey, look!" Téa said, aware of the cold, but not of Yugi's extreme distraction. "A door!"  
  
/Should we go through it...?/  
  
/Wha-- YES!/ Yami yelled mentally, as he suddenly realized how dangerously out of it they were.  
  
/But what if there's something--/  
  
/Let's GO!/  
  
Yugi and Téa went through the door and found themselves in a large courtroom.  
  
"Joey!" Yugi cried, surprised.  
  
/Yugi?/  
  
/Um, yeah?/  
  
/Get your damn coat back./  
  
/Wha?/  
  
/Neither of us can think straight in the cold, get your damn coat back./  
  
/It's cold?/  
  
/GET THE DAMN COAT!/  
  
Yugi slowly became more aware as he say by Téa on the bench.  
  
/Was I saying something?/  
  
/I don't think so./  
  
/I thought I was saying something.../  
  
/Can't remember./  
  
/I should know what I was saying.../  
  
/Blame hypothermia and let's get past it, hmm?/  
  
/I was--/  
  
/Look! Joey's in a duel./  
  
/Oh yeah! Oh, man! Look at the guy that dude is! Card! Whatever! With the--/  
  
/Good, now explain that to them./  
  
Yami sighed in relief as Yugi did.  
  
11.  
  
Spoliers: Same as above.  
  
Notes:  
Based on my theory of Joey and his family. His mother is completely made by me, except that she exists and left a long time ago. All details as to her past, and as to Joey's teacher, and as to just about everything else in this one, is completely my opinion. You didn't miss anything.  
  
"I still think you could be anything," she'd said.  
  
"Yeah, well, you don't have much company," he'd said.  
  
"Then everyone else is an idiot. Give it a try, Joey!"  
  
"Give what a try?"  
  
"Try in your school, try to read more, try more in everything. I know you aren't."  
  
"I couldn't be anythin', ma."  
  
"You're just trying to tell me you think you're doomed to a life at a fast-food restaraunt."  
  
"I was thinking maybe a welder, but yeah."  
  
She used a startlingly rude word to display her incredulousness. "That might work on everyone else, Joey, but NOT me."  
  
"What might work?"  
  
"That little 'I'm stupid, I can't do nothin'' thing you've got going on. I don't buy it."  
  
"My teachers do."  
  
"Your teachers are morons. None think you're worth anything?"  
  
"Well... there's this one psychopath who's tryin' t'tutor me..."  
  
"Let her! You could do this, Joey."  
  
"No I couldn't."  
  
"Yes, you could! Joey-- if you won't for yourself, think of your sister. You think you aren't worth anything? Well, she doesn't. Go prove her right. You'll surprise yourself, I'm sure."  
  
"...I ain't gonna be a doctor."  
  
"And why not?"  
  
"I, uh, really kinda don't like needles an' all."  
  
"Okay then. That's valid. So be a lawyer."  
  
"Wha?! An' be in all those jokes?!"  
  
"Not all lawyers are evil, Joey. A lot of them are good and do good things!"  
  
"Don't you have to know a lot of stuff for that, like pre... pre... dammit... Precedents?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
"I seen those books in the library! They got shelves of the things! I ain't learning all that!"  
  
"So? You could be a lawyer, or an engineer, or an architect, or a realtor, or anything you wanted, Joey!"  
  
"..."  
  
"Give it a try, Joey. For us, okay?"  
  
"...Ah, all right, if it'll get you all off my back, what the hell..."  
  
"And work on the grammar first. And the vocabulary. Sadly neglected."  
  
Joey looked at the ugly psuedo-judge.  
  
(A lawyer, huh?) he thought. (Pretty far-fetched... Still... If I were a prosecutor or a defense attorney or something... That would be pretty damn cool...)  
  
"One hundred and thirty-two, Joey," his psychopath teacher had said when he'd brought it up, smiling softly. "Got an advantage over 98 of the population already. Why the hell not?"  
  
And then she'd thrown a textbook at him, as she had a really annoying habit of doing. "Wanna add it in with the others?"  
  
He'd thrown up his hands. "Fine! Fine. I'll read the damn thing, but I won't understand a word!"  
  
(Except I kinda did understand a few of the words, didn't I?...)  
  
He drew a card, feeling a lot better now that Yugi was sitting there behind him. "Assault, battery, judicial misconduct... Gotta look up the ethics codes when I get the hell out of here... Not that this guy's gonna be anything but a disembodied spirit when I do..."  
  
"What was that?" the psuedo-judge demanded.  
  
"Man, there's gotta be a hundred ways you're breakin' the ethics code right now," he said defiantly. "And when I beat you, I'm gonna look 'em all up, just for the hell of it, 'cos you know where you'll be? Still dead. And you know where I'll be? Still struggling with my stupid hair every morning. Stuff won't stay down right, it sucks. But guess what? You ain't never gonna know. And the bar's never gonna be able to give your butt the kicking it so richly deserves. Or am I in contempt?"  
  
The psuedo-judge glared at him and opened his mouth.  
  
"You're damn right I got contempt of this court. I got more'n enough to flood this damn place. But let's forget that and get to the part where I wipe your psuedo-judicial butt all over this courtroom!!"  
  
"He used the word 'psuedo'," Téa whispered, impressed.  
  
"It's a prefix," Yugi said absently.  
  
/And that is because that Joey kid is damn smart. They'll never believe it, but he is./  
  
Joey thought of his mother, who had never finished law school, and all the half-forgotten days of reading the textbooks she'd left behind. Why the hell not?  
  
"I got a lawyer," he said. "Bring it on."  
  
12.  
  
Spoilers: The day of Serenity's operation, and also there's a mention of a KaibaCorp blimp.  
  
Notes:  
Again, very little of this is canon, you didn't miss anything. Joey's mom, while she exists and is alive in the series, was never shown talking to Yami or really doing anything after the day of S's operation. All I know is she's a brunette.  
  
Apparently-- I haven't got any proof of this except from a novel but it jibes completely with the animé I've seen-- in Japanese divorce law, the father always gets the oldest child. It does make a lot of sense, except that it's completely idiotic... But it makes sense with the plot...  
  
She was very nervous.  
  
(Shouldn't have let either of them go anywhere near that crazy thing...)  
  
Another to add to her list of mistakes; it was, however, probably dwarfed by all the others.  
  
(Look at these rumors. Magic, and holograms that can kill you, and, and...)  
  
(Shouldn't be reading this.)  
  
She closed the window of the Duel Monsters discussion board and was left staring at something more concrete; a major news magazine's article on "The Darker Side of Duel Monsters: Innocent Game, or Evil Cult?"  
  
(If it were some conservative thing...) But it wasn't; this magazine, if it was biased at all, most certainly leaned toward the liberal. They wouldn't print a story like this just for the hell of it...  
  
(Well of COURSE they would!! That story about the sharks all the other summer...)  
  
(But they'd have to have something to back it up...)  
  
She narrowed her eyes as she read the sidebar. "Industrial Illusions..."  
  
The former CEO of that corporation had been hospitalized for some sort of psychotic break-- after holding a tournament--which Joey had been at-- and won the money they'd needed so much.  
  
(My son... In the same house as that psychopath??)  
  
(Castle... it was a castle, it said very specifically... Not a house, a castle...)  
  
(...No, I'm still stuck on the house.)  
  
She sighed, let her head drop a little. (I got Serenity away...)  
  
(I should have taken him, too. To hell with the law, I should have taken him anyway.)  
  
She sighed again; she'd taken up that argument with herself a thousand times, and it hadn't done any good. (What's done is done, and he turned out okay, better than okay; that's what matters.)  
  
(He shouldn't have been in that tournament. Money or no money, he shouldn't be in the same county as--)  
  
She stopped.  
  
"Technology company KaibaCorp," the sidebar read, "has taken over Industrial Illiusions' grasp on the Duel Monsters market, adding new technology to the game, such as startlingly realistic holograms."  
  
(He mentioned a Kaiba... He mentioned several Kaibas. He mentioned a KaibaCorp...)  
  
She skimmed through the rest quickly. Seto Kaiba was apparently a very young, very brilliant... psychopath. God knew she was reading the worst into it, yes, but...  
  
(They say he's got vendettas against people... Yugi?! That sweet little spiky-haired kid?! Or was that his older brother? They looked so alike, I can't remember... No, the kid was Yugi. His brother... I don't think he ever mentioned his name, no. Nice kid though, really bright.)  
  
(Really bright. Too mature for his age, too reserved, but he caught Joey's concussion before anyone else did... Thirteen hours and he hadn't been able to find home or the hospital... I should have known that something was wrong...)  
  
(And I would have picked up on it, yes, but he saw it first, and I think I owe him for that.)  
  
Yes, the taller spiky-haired kid had come in, looking slightly worried.  
  
"Is Joey all right?" he'd asked.  
  
She'd blinked at him, not anywhere near her best. "What?..."  
  
"He said that he was accosted in the alley last night, around-- I don't know-- it would have had to have been eight o'clock at the latest, probably six or seven. What time is it now, about nine? Later? Maybe eight? Either way... If he was unconscious in that alley for all of that time, I personally would be concerned. If he wasn't unconscious in that alley for all of that time, and he couldn't find his home, or the hospital, or anywhere else he might find help... Well. I know... possibly I know less than nothing about the medical sciences, but I don't think that could possibly be a good thing..."  
  
She'd stared at him as in sunk in-- then ran to Joey.  
  
"Joey? Where were you last night?"  
  
He'd looked at her blearily. "Told y', got beat up by some stupid morons in hoods..."  
  
"After that." She'd held his shoulders, staring straight into his eyes to keep his attention; yes, his spiky-haired friend was right, something had to be wrong here.  
  
"Uh... I was... I was tryin' to get to the 'ospital, but I couldn't fig'r out where I was, and I had a headache, an' I was dizzy, an' I felt kinda sick..."  
  
Now that she was looking for it, Joey looked like hell. He'd seemed fine when he'd gotten there, yes, but that supply of strength seemed to have faded, and the clarity he'd had while talking Serenity out of that room must have been something he'd pulled out of necessity...  
  
"Still feel a li'l sick..." he murmured, sounding half-awake.  
  
Yes, now that she was looking for it, Joey very obviously had a concussion. How he'd recovered enough to be so lucid when Serenity needed him... Well, there was undoubtably mercy in the world somewhere; some of it apparently had floated their way.  
  
She trusted that kid... man... she wasn't even sure which term to use when describing him; he seemed very old, but looked young... and there was something else that was young in him too...  
  
Either way, she trusted him as much as she'd ever trusted anybody after the divorce; he hadn't really given her that much reason, but he had some sort of aura... Dark, and very old, and very wise. He seemed the sort of person who would keep secrets and give advice as well as he could, but admit it when he didn't know enough to help. He seemed like a guy... who did the right thing, a little like Serenity, and Joey, and Yugi, for that matter....  
  
So she'd grabbed his arm when she'd seen him, just before her only children had embarked on this debacle.  
  
"Is this... Are they going to be... This is safe, right?" she'd asked.  
  
He'd looked at her, unhappy, in a way that said he knew the truth very well but wasn't completely sure that he should tell her.  
  
"No," he'd said simply.  
  
"I... But they're not going to get hurt or anything, right...?"  
  
Another pause; she decided she didn't like it when he paused.  
  
"I can't guarantee it..."  
  
"But it's not like I should, should forbid them to go or anything..."  
  
"... In truth, forbidding them to go would probably be a very wise idea."  
  
A shadow crept behind his eyes, like some sort of cloud. "Things... tend to happen in tournaments associated with this game, as I'm sure you'll find out. Do I think he'll be in physical danger? No. But... This game seems to atttract all of the other sorts of danger, and sometimes even physical danger as well...."  
  
"...Do you think... Do you think there's any way I can stop them?" She'd known it was ridiculous, asking for advice about her children from a sixteen/twenty-one/two hundred-year-old, but somehow she couldn't convince herself he wasn't qualified.  
  
He'd smiled faintly. "Serenity will follow Joey, and I've been trying to dissuade Joey from entering this tournament since before it began. You could tell him he'll be endangering Serenity, but if Serenity hears that, she'll be all the more set on going, and either he'll have to stay behind with her, or she'll come along with him..."  
  
"Why can't they both stay?" Her voice sounded ridiculously small, like a child asking where the family dog went when it died.  
  
"For Joey, it's part pride and stubbornness. He likes that he's good at something... He wants it to be widely known that he's good at something."  
  
"He didn't prove that the last time?"  
  
He'd smiled more widely and shook his head. "Not to everybody. There are still many very important holdouts... Actually, nobody takes him seriously-- maybe not ever. So I suppose I understand why he's willing to go through this tournament to prove himself."  
  
"Oh..."  
  
"But that isn't all. He also wants to be there for me, I'm afraid... I can't persuade him that I'd really be much happier if I knew he was safe, far away. Perhaps in Canada."  
  
She'd smiled and nodded. "That," she'd said fondly, "is my Joey."  
  
"And also, he made someone else a promise to be here and help... He doesn't break his promises if he can help it."  
  
"That," she'd said, smiling brokenly, "is also my Joey."  
  
He'd paused. "I think you should know that your son is very smart, very brave, and very loyal. I think you should know that with your help, he's finally starting to learn that. He is, fortunately, one of the fastest learners I have ever met."  
  
She smiled. "Thank you."  
  
"You're welcome." He'd smiled graciously, then sighed.  
  
"What is it?"  
  
He'd looked at her, a measuring look in his very strange eyes. She'd suddenly started to wonder exactly how old he was, anyway, and who he was, and what had happened to him before she'd met him....  
  
"A nagging feeling," he'd finally said, his voice very low and quiet. "One of those feelings that everything terrible that is happening right now and will happen in the near and not-so-near future is entirely my fault."  
  
She still wasn't entirely sure what he meant, but she understood the sentiment very well.  
  
"Can you prove it wrong?" she'd asked.  
  
Silently he shook his head.  
  
She'd nodded quietly, symapthetic.  
  
That, she suddenly realized, was why he'd confided in her. She understood, and he could tell that she did.  
  
She sighed and looked back at her computer screen. (Yugi Moto...)  
  
(The common link...) she thought, as something began to emerge from the back of her mind. (All these things in this article, almost all of them he's been involved, or gotten involved, or been the reason the whole thing started...)  
  
(Is that what he meant?)  
  
It had to be. It was all coming together; Yugi Moto and his brother-- suddenly she didn't quite believe that the taller man was Yugi's brother-- were objects of fascination to this, this Duel Monsters cult that seemed to exist. Which was why man-who-looked-like-Yugi thought it was all his fault, and why Joey kept getting sucked into it with him.  
  
She looked at the report again. Disappearances, psychotic breaks...  
  
(Whether it really is his fault or not, he thinks it is; I should know. He thinks he's causing all this, and he doesn't like it, because it's hurting his friends, and also people who aren't his friends. He doesn't want Joey involved, but Joey keeps coming because he's Joey and he's loyal to his friends, and every time Joey tags along his friends get into danger, and it worries the hell out of him...)  
  
She had no logical basis for this. None at all. It could all be explained as bad luck and coincidence; there was no reason to suspect a pattern at all...  
  
Except a blimp, and a concussion, and an ancient-looking pair of red-purple eyes...  
  
She could never prove it, but she knew it was true.  
  
She spent a long time staring at the picture of Yugi on the computer.  
  
13.  
  
Spoilers: If you're still wondering what's wrong with the Big Five that they haven't tried to pick off any of the three least experienced duelists in the field yet, you're too early.  
  
Notes:  
just after seeing the ep No way this is going to happen in the next episode, but dammit, it should, and that's what these are all about.  
  
Computers, when they were first made, were dependent on vaccum tubes. That has long since been improved.  
  
She'd been shocked that he actually admitted it.  
  
It had done no harm, of course; she wasn't a moron, and she was on speaking terms with her brother. And Joey had gone on for ages about how Yugi had taught him everything he knew and that was why he was following him. So when Tristan had started saying those silly things about how he was her brother's mentor, she'd been shocked for a few seconds. But after a minute, she'd figured out that he was just trying to impress her, and, well, she let him.  
  
She hadn't expected him to ever actually admit he'd been lying.  
  
She'd been stringing them both along a lot the past hour or two, partly because she was annoyed with them, and partly because she was scared and...she wanted someone to protect her.  
  
(Yeah. I wanted someone to protect me.)  
  
She looked at herself in a kind of disgusted awe. (How could I let them do that!)  
  
She didn't know what was going on, and she needed someone to protect her, but neither did they, and...  
  
And...  
  
(And that's what that pile of scrap metal has been doing, attacking me all these turns. He knew they, being cutely brave but morons as well, would spend all their time trying to protect me, and we'd all fall down.)  
  
(He was using us....)  
  
"Serenity!" Duke cried, desperately. "Come on, none of us will get out of here if we don't keep fighting!"  
  
"Sixty seconds," she said, voice low.  
  
(He was using me, because he thought I was weak, and you know what I did? I proved him right. I bleeping proved him right.)  
  
Something in the back of her head was slowly stirring.  
  
(He thinks I'm weak, and he thinks I'm a moron, and all I'm doing is proving him right.)  
  
A slow, cold fury was slowly seeping through her mind.  
  
(This,) she realized suddenly, (is why Joey came here. This. Everyone thinks he's weak, and they think he's a moron, and they try to use him to get at his friends, and that-- that's the worst thing in the world.)  
  
And here she was, on her knees, sobbing like a little girl, weak, helpless, and proving the rusty bucket of bolts over there right.  
  
(No.)  
  
No, not anymore and never again. She made a mistake; she'd fix it. Tristan was coming back, and that stupid robot was going to get stuck upside-down next to Satan in the centermost circle of hell.  
  
(Hell no.)  
  
She was not weak. She wasn't weak, and she wouldn't be weak, and she wasn't depending on everybody else anymore.  
  
(Joey has the right of it.)  
  
(I bet he thinks that I'm either going to sit here and keep crying and be useless, or be so angry that I'm reckless and get us beaten too. Well, no. Hell no!)  
  
She rose, slowly, keeping her head down.  
  
(There are cards that bring monsters back from the graveyard. If I bring his Deck Master back, won't he come too?)  
  
(I know what I need to now, and Joey taught me the basics of this-- the basics of all of this. Duel Monsters and fighting psychos and standing up because that's what people do--)  
  
(Joey taught me this, and if he can do it, I can too, because I'm not some weak and stupid little girl! My name is Serenity Wheeler, sister of Joey, daughter of a woman who braves her own burning fire every day, and I have fought against doctors and lawyers and the government and my own body, and this dolt isn't gonna stop me!!)  
  
(YOU WILL NOT USE ME, EVER AGAIN!!)  
  
"What the hell are you waiting for!" she snapped. "Scared? Of course not, you're too damn stupid."  
  
Duke's head snapped around and he stared at Serenity like he'd never seen her before. Maybe he hadn't.  
  
"Come on, you worthless pile of vaccum tubes! Scared of the tiny little girl? You weren't before, because humans are weak, particularly the females... And also? Change your syntax there. You call me 'female' again, I'm gonna reprogram you with a hatchet."  
  
She was trembling, she was scared out of her mind, she was mourning, she was furious, and she was strong.  
  
(Try it. Go ahead. You are not using me ever again. You are not using me, ever again.)  
  
Somewhere in a tunnel, Joey stopped stock-still and Yugi tripped over a rock.  
  
"Guys?" Téa asked, slightly bemused, and held out a hand to Yugi.  
  
/...What was that??/  
  
"The hell?" Joey said softly, holding a hand to his head and sounding slightly unnerved.  
  
"What's the matter?" Téa glanced at them both.  
  
"Somethin' just... Dunno... It was like..." Joey trailed off, then shook his head violently. "Nah, it was probably nothin'," he said.  
  
/Translation: That scared the hell out of me./  
  
"C'mon... We'd better go find S'renity." Joey started running again.  
  
/Translation: It was something to do with Serenity and I'm scared out of my mind./  
  
/Thanks for the translation there, but I kinda got it, Yami.../ Yugi was trying to focus on keeping up with everyone, talking to Yami, and trying to figure out what had just happened all at once.  
  
Yami helpfully started to help him figure it out, easing the load. /It must have been Serenity./  
  
/It didn't seem like her.../ Yugi shivered.  
  
/Something's gotten her very angry./  
  
/That's bad, right?/  
  
/Well, if she's angry, it means something has happened to make her angry, and most likely it's something to do with the Fab Five./  
  
/"Big Five"./  
  
/I am expressing my contempt for them by refusing to remember what they call themselves./  
  
/Yaamii.../  
  
/However, on a brighter note, I doubt that whatever she's angry at will be having a very nice time in the near future./  
  
/What makes you think that?/  
  
/She's a Wheeler,/ Yami said simply. /That family has power./  
  
/Power?/  
  
/Yes, power. You haven't noticed?/  
  
/Well... I've been trying not to notice that kind of thing.../  
  
/Well, you don't need to be as psychic as you are to sense it. It's just common sense; look at Joey. He's here, is he not? He changed in a few weeks from someone who couldn't beat Téa to someone who came remarkably close to beating us./  
  
/Are you, by any chance, ever just a little arrogant?/  
  
/Oh come on, you know we're good./  
  
/It's still a bit snobbish to say it like that./  
  
/Yugi.../  
  
/Yes, yes, not the point. What kind of power?/  
  
/All kinds, really. You felt that flash, Yugi. Rage and power and defiance./  
  
/Rage and defiance... Well, yes.../  
  
/Yugi, it hit you so hard that you tripped over a rock. You may be extraordinairily psychic, but that still takes quite a bit of power./  
  
/Well.../  
  
/You couldn't even think for a second, it was so powerful!/  
  
/How did you know that?!/  
  
/I know absolutely nothing that goes on in your mind, Yugi, and I'm also completely blind to psychic phenomena. I myself didn't sense it at all./  
  
/...Please don't use the irony next time, Yami. I'll have to hurt you./  
  
/Sorry./  
  
/Okay, it was powerful. But Serenity's a novice.../  
  
/Yes, but from that flash, I imagine she's just learned something the very, very hard way. She's not an idiot by any standards, and she does know the basics of Duel Monsters, as well as several strategies the top duelists have used. That power... Would you want to face it?/  
  
/...Yes, I see. You're right./  
  
/Really? Oh, good. I was getting so tired of being wrong all the time./  
  
/Don't make me come in there, Yami, we've got better things to do./  
  
/...I could take you./  
  
/What the hell is wrong with you?!/  
  
/...Sorry. I just get very proud when Joey... What's the term? Something or other and takes names. It's nice to see him prove them all wrong./  
  
/So it was the duel he just won?/  
  
/Yes./  
  
/...Yeah, he did take names, didn't he?/  
  
/And we taught him everything he knows./  
  
/Yeah, that's pretty darn cool./  
  
/We should tell him that someday./  
  
/Yami, shh./  
  



	3. And More

)  
14.  
  
Spoilers: Um, actually, just the very beginning of Noah's arc.  
  
Notes: No, I have no canonical basis for Mokuba's engineer friends. They just happened, when I was fustrated with the dub's logical fallacies and happened to read a Dilbert strip. It went something like, "So then the new CEO tied us up and stole our wallets." "Wow, what did the board of directors do?" "After they finished loading up the van?" It sounding like something that Pegasus would have done after he got control of KaibaCorp, so I decided he did, and it kind of spun out of control from there.  
  
(-)  
  
"You know, maybe if you'd been a little more tactful, none of this would have happened."  
  
"Mokuba!"  
  
"I'm serious!"  
  
"I don't need this right now!"  
  
"Neither does anybody else, but we're all here, huh?!"  
  
"Tact, which, by the way, I do have, would not have changed a thing."  
  
"Guess we'll never know."  
  
"I used tact."  
  
"You did not."  
  
"You weren't there."  
  
"I was, but I didn't have to be."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"You never use tact anywhere else, why with these lunatics?"  
  
"Mokuba!"  
  
"I'm not shutting up, Seto!"  
  
"This is what he wants!"  
  
"It's what I want too!!"  
  
Kaiba blinked, and Mokuba was perversely happy.  
  
"Not the psychos and the duels and everything, but this? Talking? I want that. Desert thing sucks too, but the talking? Hell yeah."  
  
"Since when do I not use tact?"  
  
"Since, uh, ever? Especially since Kaiba. But never."  
  
"Really."  
  
"Yep."  
  
"Then how does anything get done in my company?"  
  
"Your private PR firm."  
  
"We don't have a private PR firm."  
  
"Yeah you do. Three of 'em, and they work real well together."  
  
"Three firms? I think I'd know if I hired--"  
  
"No, three people."  
  
"Really."  
  
"When you hand down an order, it almost always has to go through Gamma at some point."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"What, you changed the code names again?!"  
  
"That name's from-- five years ago, at least!"  
  
"The engineers, then!"  
  
"Right. I suppose they do, yes."  
  
"More specifically, the departments wind up getting their instructions from Kiseki Yumiko, Daidouji Renami, and Jacob Davenport."  
  
"The lunatic?"  
  
"Don't call Yumi a lunatic. She kind of is, but you don't get to call her that."  
  
"Since when are you on first-name terms with that woman?"  
  
Mokuba laughed. "Since two weeks after you became CEO."  
  
"...Oh."  
  
"It works like this: Renami tells everyone what has to be done, Yumi tells them how they're going to do it, and Jacob weighs in whenever he needs to and adds credibility."  
  
"How does that slacker add credibility?"  
  
"'Cos he never lies. Ever. They can ask him, 'Is this project ever going to get past beta?' and if it won't, he'll say, 'Yeah, maybe when they start ice-skating in the third circle.' If it will, he'll say 'Yeah, they're making a big deal out of it, and it's not gonna fall apart or something. I hope.' If he doesn't know, he'll say 'Hell if I know, but why do we do anything around here with what they pay us?' He's a pessimist, he's sarcastic to the point where you occasionally want to smack him, but he just doesn't lie."  
  
"Really."  
  
"Yeah, he's got no ambition and he knows you won't notice what he says, and even if you did notice, he wouldn't care."  
  
"Why don't I notice?"  
  
"'Cos your head's stuck too far u--"  
  
"MOKUBA!"  
  
"That's what he'd say, and he's right. That's why I put up with his sarcasm, because he never lies, he's really a good person and he's right a really scary amount of the time."  
  
"Is he."  
  
"Yes, he is."  
  
"Yeah. Sure."  
  
"Seto, it's three p.m. Do you know where your company is?"  
  
"...What?"  
  
"Do you have any idea who's running the company right now?"  
  
"The board of directors."  
  
"They're wusses and they hate us. They're trying to ignore this tournament, and even when they do get word we're missing, they've seen too many hostile takeovers fail to try one themselves. They aren't going to do anything at all. The whole company will stall."  
  
"And you know this how?"  
  
"Firm of Kiseki, Davenport & Daidouji, reluctant experts in office politics."  
  
"Because I know I never told you."  
  
"Which is why I had to learn from them. The Board isn't doing a damn thing, I'll bet you twenty dollars here and now."  
  
"Then who is?"  
  
"My friends there."  
  
"No. They are not."  
  
"Nobody else knows what to do, or is stupid enough to take the responsibility, or would be listened to if they tried."  
  
"Those idiots are running my company?!"  
  
"They're the best engineers in the country, Seto. I really don't think they're idiots."  
  
"You're young."  
  
"So are you."  
  
"No, I'm not."  
  
"Actually, you are."  
  
Seto said nothing. Mokuba didn't.  
  
"They're running KaibaCorp, and they're doing a damn good job, even though they're wondering why they're doing it and if we're coming back and when you're gonna go off the deep end and try to take over the world."  
  
"When I'm WHAT?"  
  
"Going to go off the deep end and try to take over the world," he repeated resolutely.  
  
"They think I'm--? Oh my God, and they're running the company??"  
  
"Don't worry, they know too much about the job to try and take it off your hands until you actually do."  
  
"They think I'm going to try to take over the world, and they're talking to-- to people?!"  
  
"Yep, 'cause you aren't there."  
  
"Oh, great."  
  
"They're not the only ones who think that, you know," Mokuba said carefully.  
  
"What? Who else?"  
  
"The entire company... Yugi... Yugi's friends... and me."  
  
"...--You?!"  
  
"Yes. Me."  
  
"You think-- you think I'm going to try to take over the world?!?!"  
  
"Yes, Seto, I do."  
  
"What-- where the hell did you get that idea?!"  
  
"When you almost hit me after I touched your deck of Duel Monsters cards. When you nearly gave an old man a heart attack just for a stupid card you didn't want him to have. When--"  
  
"Mokuba--"  
  
"--we came back from the island," Mokuba continued, only faltering for a second, "and you had that meeting with all the 'disloyalty will not be tolerated' and the 'we won't have any competitors in two years' talk. When you--"  
  
"Mokuba--"  
  
"--made a virtual video game even when everyone you asked said it was one of the stupidest ideas they had ever heard. When you found the people who tried to take over the company. When you canceled all your meetings when you saw that Yugi was in a duel on TV. When you came home--"  
  
"Mokuba!"  
  
Mokuba ignored him, building up steam. "--from an innocent trip to the museum holding a damn Duel Monsters card in your hand and cackling to yourself, when you tested it out without using the safeties, when you arranged a tournament that looks a hell of a lot like Peggy's--"  
  
"Mokuba, listen to me, you--!"  
  
"When you started caring more about winning than you care about me!!"  
  
Silence, except for the blood pounding in Mokuba's ears and the sound of his own deep breaths. There, he'd said it. He'd said it and he wasn't taking it back.  
  
"I don't care more about winning--"  
  
"Yes you do."  
  
"I don't!"  
  
"You do. Seto. You do."  
  
Seto Kaiba, confused, looked into his brother's eyes. Mokuba apparently believed this. Didn't he see that all of this was for him? Dammit, teenagers!  
  
"I do not," he said, in a low tone that killed all argument.  
  
(It isn't for me, Seto, it isn't and it never will be, but I guess it could have been once.)  
  
"This isn't the time or the place, Mokuba. Let's go."  
  
(His answer to everything.)  
  
Silently, Mokuba followed.  
  
15.  
  
Spoilers: If you haven't had to wonder exactly how and when a 3-5,000-year-old card game got a card so obviously based on Jeanne d'Arc... You might want to skip this.  
  
Notes: Sorry. The end of the episode posed a loose end, and these people exist only to tie up loose ends, so...  
  
(-)  
  
"Jerk."  
  
"Renami--"  
  
"You weren't here yesterday!!" She glared at him.  
  
He glared right back. "For the last time, it was my day off, and I don't get very many of those!!"  
  
"So you run out on me on the day Captain Rational is driving his flock of schoolchildren out on a field trip to the Church of Divine Retribution?!"  
  
"...You're referring to the tournament, right?"  
  
"As politely as I can."  
  
"Captain Rational and the schoolchildren I got, but the Church of Divine Retribution?" he asked, bemused.  
  
"Where the old geezer ran off."  
  
"Ah."  
  
"And you ran out on me!"  
  
He snorted. "Heaven's sake, Renna, we're not Mokuba's bodyguards."  
  
"No, but we're about as close as he's got."  
  
"Uh, that really sucks for him, then."  
  
"Shuddup."  
  
Jacob sighed and pushed his black hair out of his eyes. "So what happened?"  
  
"Just 'cos I'm mad you ran out on us doesn't mean something happened."  
  
"No, the fact that Kaiba, Yugi, and Megalomaniac-of-the-Week are going out to play Duel Monsters means something happened," he explained sweetly.  
  
"If you knew something was going to happen, why the hell did you leave?!"  
  
"Because it was my off day."  
  
She groaned and hit her head against the wall.  
  
"Hey Jacob!" Kiseki Yumiko, a woman who was way too old to wear pigtails but did so anyway, poked her head around the doorway, beaming.  
  
"Hey, Yumi. What went wrong now?"  
  
"Uh, lessee. First, the blimp got hijacked." She smiled lopsidedly.  
  
"WHAT??"  
  
"Not by armed people or anythin', by computer."  
  
"Oh. That's so much better," Jacob said, dripping with sarcasm.  
  
"Shuddup, Jacob," Renami said, her head still against the wall.  
  
"An' then they sucked everyone on the ship into a virtual world."  
  
"Oh s--"  
  
"And that's where they all are right now."  
  
"Doing what?"  
  
"You have to ask?" Renami asked, bemused.  
  
"Uh... Wild guess... Dueling."  
  
"Give the man a cigar."  
  
"Don't smoke."  
  
"Yeaah." Renami cut to the chase. "Some kid wants to take over the company."  
  
"Hell and damnnation!" he muttered.  
  
"Greenish hair, calls himself Noah. May or may not be his name. Don't really care."  
  
"Typical?"  
  
Renami cocked her head thoughtfully. "Little less feminine than usual, actually."  
  
"Huh. That's a switch."  
  
"But he makes up for it with the stupidity."  
  
"Oh good, tell me more."  
  
She grinned. "You will never guess who he recruited to duel 'em."  
  
"Uh... the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?"  
  
"No, he wasn't that smart."  
  
"Wow. Who'd make a worse choice than the Ninja Turtles?"  
  
"Remember those guys who tried to take over with Peggy?"  
  
"No. Not them. No way."  
  
"Disembodied spirits who want bodies." She grinned again; it really was funny, which was a nice change.  
  
"He recruited them?!"  
  
"And they're calling themselves the Big Five."  
  
"And that didn't tip the kid off?!"  
  
"This one isn't just stupid, he's damn stupid. Think about it. He dragged Kaiba to a virtual world to make him play Duel Monsters. C'mon, is there anything he's better at??"  
  
Jacob shook his head. "And he wants the company."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"...Oh my God," Jacob said, wide-eyed. "That... that's so stupid as to defy description!!"  
  
She shrugged. "Maybe he just hired really cheap private investigators."  
  
"What the hell was he thinking?! My God!!"  
  
Renami blinked. "...This is more than the standard 'his plan is so damn stupid' thing, isn't it."  
  
"Hell yeah! What was he thinking?! There's a better plan right in front of him!!"  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"Take over the company legally!!"  
  
Renami blinked rapidly. "Whoa, what about that clause that says only a Kaiba--"  
  
"I've told you a million times, that can't be true! That'd be so illegal it'd--"  
  
"Yeah, yeah, I heard. But they think--"  
  
"Even so. How much persuading do you think it'd take??"  
  
"..." It slowly started to dawn on her. "One case of cheap wine, five fruit baskets, and twenty bucks, and that's if they got stubborn."  
  
"No, that's if the board of directors refused and he had to get the shareholders to replace 'em." Jacob snorted. "It wouldn't take much. He could've done it covert, and he'd be CEO by now."  
  
"Kaiba would've noticed..." she said slowly.  
  
"And if Mokuba did too?"  
  
"Which he would, if Kaiba did..." Yumi said thoughtfully.  
  
"You know what he'd do, better than anyone," Jacob said.  
  
"He'd try to talk Kaiba into it..."  
  
"And even if he didn't, the kid would probably win," Jacob said.  
  
"And if he did, the Kaiba brothers would retire on a nice fat pension and we'd all live happily ever after," Yumiko added.  
  
"Except us, who'd be saddled with the kid, and Yugi-san, who still has his megalomaniacs, but that's beside the point..." She shook her head slowly. "Oh my God. That would work. That would work beyond a shadow of a doubt."  
  
"Yeah, thanks a lot, kid." Jacob snorted. "Coulda solved most of our problems, but he's too damn stupid..."  
  
"He might have some sort of reason..."  
  
"So did Pegasus. He'll have a reason, no doubt, but it'll suck." Jacob rolled his eyes.  
  
Renami sighed. "So, that's where we are. We can't hack into the system 'cause Noah had a lot of time on his hands."  
  
"I think he hired Marah," Yumiko said thoughtfully.  
  
"Really?"  
  
"It'd be a bit smart for him, but the security's got her fingerprints all over it, and she's whimsical enough..."  
  
"Whimsical?" Jacob asked.  
  
"Yeah, she'd think of it as paying me'n'Sera back for... couple of favors a few years back. She's a nutcase." Yumiko giggled.  
  
Renami and Jacob looked at each other, wondering exactly how strange a person would have to be to induce Yumiko of the boundless giddy energy to call them 'nutcase' and 'whimsical'.  
  
"She wants revenge on you?" Jacob asked skeptically.  
  
"No, she owes us a couple favors. I figure Noah asked her on board, she saw how damn stupid he was, and she figured she'd do us a favor by making sure he didn't come up with anything smarter. Yeah, Marah's crazy that way."  
  
Jacob and Renami looked at each other again, unnerved.  
  
"Still made the security a wench, though. Probably she figured it's not in our best interest to foil this Noah's plan, he might come up with something less abmysally stupid. So we can't help anything that direction."  
  
"So what can we do?"  
  
"Nothing," Renami answered, throwing her hands up. "Not a damn thing. That's what's so fustrating! All we can do is keep the company running and hope they don't get their butts kicked. And watch over the bodies."  
  
"Uh... What bodies?"  
  
"I told you, the idiot sucked them into a VR world. While their minds are in there..." She gestured in the direction of the room their corporeal forms were still in.  
  
"Weird."  
  
"Yeah, like I told you, the 'Big Five' are trying to duel them and take over their bodies."  
  
"And if they do?"  
  
A red light on the wall started to flash.  
  
"If they do," Renami explained, deadpan, "there'll be an alarm so that we can go stop them before they get out."  
  
"And that's the alarm."  
  
"Brilliant work, Holmes." Renami grabbed his arm, and started running toward the room.  
  
She skidded to a stop outside the door, causing the off-balance Jacob to keep running, trip, and roll headlong further down the corridor.  
  
He got up, rubbing his head, and went to stand by her, glaring.  
  
"Taylor kid's up," she said, not having seen his gymnastic display.  
  
"Think it could be him?"  
  
Tristan's body looked around and started to laugh insanely.  
  
"No, don't think so," she said, and grabbed a weapon from a holster by the door.  
  
"FREEZE!!" she yelled, kicking open the door.  
  
"Tristan" obeyed, startled.  
  
"Whoa," Jacob commented, nearly as surprised. "What's with the Charlie's Angels thing? Not that it wasn't cool, 'cause it was damn cool, but there were three of Charlie's Angels and I don't think I'm cut out for the job."  
  
"Shuddup," Renami said. "So. Which one are you?"  
  
'Tristan" looked startled, then sneered. "Oh, it's you. Little miss 4-point-oh with the naiveté and the goody-two-shoes attitude."  
  
"Oh, it's Nesbitt," Jacob said, disgusted. "Figures it'd be you. Better than the psycho penguin guy, though. The hell'd you manage to win anything?"  
  
"If you know what's good for you, kid, you'll get out of my way." He stepped forward threateningly.  
  
"Na-ah-ah-ah-ah!" Renami waved her gun. "You want to find out what kind of gun this is?"  
  
"Stun gun, B-47 model," Nesbitt said.  
  
"...Ah yeah, you would know, wouldn't you." She laughed nervously.  
  
"Doesn't change anything. Sit, wench," Jacob commanded.  
  
"All right, I'll just--" Lightning-fast, Nesbitt leapt at Jacob.  
  
"Yah!" Renami swung the gun at him at him and pulled the trigger.  
  
Nesbitt screamed as something that wasn't quite electricity poured through him. He staggered back to the bed, eyes wide.  
  
"What--thehell?" he managed, breathing heavily.  
  
"It used to be a B-47," Renami said calmly, eyes flashing. "But I... fiddled with it a little. That was a mild setting. Unless you want to see what happens when it's set on you full blast, I'd stay still. That all right?"  
  
Without waiting for any sort of answer, she glanced down at Jacob. "You're okay, right?"  
  
"Yeah... really touched by your concern..." he said, glaring at her from the floor.  
  
"Is that a yes?"  
  
"Got a concussion, but I already had one, so I think maybe they'll cancel out. You think?" He got up, groaning. "The hell'd you come at me for, wench?"  
  
"You're the weakest," Nesbitt answered simply.  
  
Jacob's mouth dropped open.  
  
"Yeah, well, you try that again and it won't be pretty. Even I'm not sure what this thing'll do." She glared at him.  
  
"I-- I may be weak, but at least I'm not stupid!" Jacob yelled.  
  
"Oh really? Good for you. I would never have guessed," Nesbitt said dryly.  
  
Jacob glared at him.  
  
Yumiko, who had just arrived, turned around. "Hurry up!" she yelled behind her. "He called Jacob's hand!"  
  
"What?!" Jacob whirled around.  
  
"It's a good hand, that's why it's gonna be fun," Yumiko explained quickly.  
  
"Riight." Jacob turned back around. "So you think I'm stupid?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Oh really." Jacob glared at him. "So, as I recall, you said you turned against Kaiba because you wanted to keep building military equipment, and he was turning KaibaCorp into a game company."  
  
"He was subverting everything we stood for!"  
  
"So, yes. And because he blew up your plant?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"So, when Seto Kaiba walks up to you and tells you 'This is how the company's gonna be now, take it or leave it'-- why the hell don't you leave it?"  
  
"I don't have time for this," Nesbitt said angrily.  
  
"Think about it a second. Why the hell didn't you just quit?"  
  
"You are irritating me, child..."  
  
"There are other defense contractors. You don't have any sort of binding contract. The terms of it expired when old Kaiba did, and you didn't have a new one at that point. In fact, Seto Kaiba would've probably been glad to be rid of you. You could have left at any time!"  
  
"..."  
  
"And leaving would have been the smartest thing you ever did. You'd keep doing what you loved, and you'd get highly paid for KaibaCorp's secrets! Seto Kaiba wouldn't care if you took the patents with you; he probably still doesn't even know they exist! What kind of idiot are you?!"  
  
Nesbitt looked startled. "I..."  
  
"And another thing!" Jacob cried, not nearly done. "Why were you on Pegasus's side? Did you think he'd go into defense contracting?? His company was even more involved in Duel Monsters than ours!! The only thing that would have changed was that your boss would be a dangerous, unpredictable lunatic! He wasn't even trustworthy, even setting aside the fact that he was your worst nightmare!"  
  
Nesbitt looked even more startled. The junior engineers that had gathered behind Yumiko looked stunned.  
  
"And why the hell did you join up with those guys?"  
  
"They--"  
  
"The one guy's obsessed with penguins! Penguins, for god's sake! The other won't stop yammering about his damn lemonade stand! And the other guy-- the other guy's a lawyer! A corporate lawyer! For KaibaCorp!! Is there anything about him that DOESN'T scream 'untrustworthy'?!?!"  
  
"They're good people!" Nesbitt defended.  
  
"They're lunatics!! And finally, what were you thinking?! Joining up with the Noah kid, who's too stupid for words?!"  
  
"He--"  
  
"He's trying to beat Seto Kaiba in a VIDEO GAME!!!" Jacob yelled.  
  
Nesbitt sat there, stunned, the point hitting home.  
  
"Virtual reality is the ONLY type of reality that Seto Kaiba can adaquately deal with!" Jacob yelled. "How stupid do you get?!"  
  
Nesbitt said nothing, getting Jacob's point.  
  
"And on top of that, you drag Yugi Moto and his friends along. Yugi Moto! The only person in the world who's better than Kaiba at this! You saw what Pegasus could do. You saw how Yugi beat him. You honestly think you're gonna keep that body long?"  
  
Nesbitt opened his mouth, then shut it, looking troubled.  
  
Jacob was silent for a moment, calm. "This," he said finally, "is why the Taylor kid has no need to worry. This is why none of them do. You're a moron, and you're still probably smarter than the rest of these imbeciles." He shook his head.  
  
"Enjoy being alive again," he said. "You won't be here very long." He turned and walked away, pushing through the crowd.  
  
Renami looked after him, smiling fondly.  
  
"See?" she said softly. "You don't play with my Jacob. Not if you're smart."  
  
She walked outside and barred the door.  
  
"Tsukino, Adamson, guard the door," she said, handing one a gun and gesturing at the other. "I don't think he'll give you any trouble for a while. Call if he does."  
  
She walked away, looking for Jacob.  
  
Yumi grinned at her disciples. "Y'see?" she said proudly. "I told you it'd be good."  
  
There was a flash from inside the room, and Yumiko whirled around.  
  
"Huh, he is the smartest of the bunch," she murmered. "Rena!"  
  
Renami, just barely still within hearing range, turned around. "What?"  
  
"Nesbitt went back into the virtual world!"  
  
"Really?" Renami blinked.  
  
"Yeah, we're that damn good." Yumiko chuckled. "He knows he can't do anythin' good on this end..."  
  
Renami grinned. "Okay then, but we still need the guard. Just in case."  
  
Yumiko nodded at the two designated guards. "And that is why we do this. 'Cos we can," she told her disciples. "C'mon, back to work..."  
  
The junior engineers slowly filtered back to their posts.  
  
16.  
  
Spoilers: Um... If you can't answer the question "Does Joey know how to drive?", then you're too early.  
  
Notes:  
This piece owes quite a lot to the brilliant works of Douglas Adams, which are, needless to say, the books Mokuba references. I do as well; though I've always thought that there's someone behind all this, it hadn't occured to me that Noah wasn't an outside part of the proceedings. Almost makes you feel sorry for the kid. But, not quite.  
  
(-)  
  
"You really still think your 'big brother' is going to rescue you?"  
  
Mokuba rolled his eyes, ignoring that the remark kind of hit home.  
  
"Because, he's tied up at the moment..." Noah smirked.  
  
"Oh, please," Mokuba snapped. "Shut up, you moron. Brighter bulbs than you have tried to take over the company, with better plans."  
  
"Really." Noah kept smirking.  
  
(The kind of smile that makes you want to hit it with a brick,) Mokuba thought angrily.  
  
"Why are you so certain that my plan is flawed?"  
  
"Because." Mokuba looked at him pityingly. "You're trying to beat my brother in a virtual game. And virtual games are what my big brother does best."  
  
"Ah, yes." Noah smirked.  
  
"But that's not all," Mokuba said.  
  
"Oh really? What else, then?"  
  
Mokuba stared at him, wondering how the hell anyone who could create such a technologically advanced virtual world could be so obtuse. "Because. You brought along the best duelist in the world."  
  
"Your brother?"  
  
"Uh, no..."  
  
Noah looked startled. "Oh, really? Who, then?"  
  
"You really don't know."  
  
"What sort of game are you playing?!"  
  
"Yugi Moto!" Mokuba cried, honestly confused.  
  
Noah stared at him for a second, then started laughing. "The pointy-haired kid?!"  
  
"Yes, the pointy-haired kid!" Mokuba cried, incredulous. "Not only did he beat Seto, but he also beat the only other guy who ever beat Seto! How the hell do you not know this?!"  
  
"You're lying."  
  
"No, I'm not!" Mokuba stared at him.  
  
"Y-you're just trying to stall me because you think your big brother will rescue you."  
  
Mokuba snorted. "He really will, 'cos he thinks he cares about me, at least. And also he's really good at this. And the pointy-haired kid? How the hell did you miss this? Even if you only researched me and Seto, his name would've come up."  
  
Noah looked very slightly uncertain, and switched the view on the screen to Yugi and his gang, riding down the highway in a big, old pickup truck.  
  
"See?" Noah said arrogantly. "They're all bumblers."  
  
"See?" Mokuba said, and pointed at the screen.  
  
Noah looked more closely. The pointy-haired kid... was looking away, eyes unfocused, in an extremely unnerving manner. It was almost as if...  
  
"So he's crazy," Noah said, trying to sound more confident than he was and succeeding. "So?"  
  
"Little closer," Mokuba said.  
  
So Noah looked. The pointy-haired kid cocked his head slightly. Then he turned his head, and--  
  
Noah actually stepped backwards. The pointy-haired kid was looking at him-- right at him-- even though it was on a screen, Noah knew that the kid saw right through it, was actually looking at him, with those eyes suddenly red.  
  
"See?" Mokuba said again, quietly.  
  
The pointy-haired... un-kid on the screen closed his eyes, shook his head slightly, and said two syllables, which Noah knew were directed at him. Then one of the kid's friends called him-- and the spell was abruptly broken, the kid was a kid again, and absolutely no threat.  
  
Briefly, very briefly, Noah entertained the thought that maybe, just maybe, there was a slight chance that Mokuba was telling the truth.  
  
Briefly, very briefly, he felt the edge of panic.  
  
(What the hell have I gotten myself into?!)  
  
Mokuba saw this, and suddenly, he got something. An idea popped into his head, unreasoned, without any words explaining it except these: "And somewhere, in the shadows behind them--who?"  
  
Slowly, Mokuba started to reason it out.  
  
"He's not smart enough to come up with such a stupid plan," were the next words that came into his head.  
  
That confused him for a second, until he remembered something else, which was probably how he had come up with this in the first place.  
  
(That book, one of the ones I was thinking about earlier, with the brick thing. The planet Krikkit... They were all manipulated into trying to destroy the universe. A whole lot of really unlikely events... And...)  
  
He remembered a passage of the book--  
  
"You expect me to believe that you are bright enough to invent something that brilliant and be too dumb to realize that it would take you with it as well? That's not just stupid, that is spectacularly obtuse."  
  
(He couldn't have come up with this plan,) Mokuba thought. (He would've thought it out better. I mean, there are certain things you'd have to think about if you came up with this sort of plan, and he hasn't thought about one. Like, why Duel Monsters? He'd have to know that Seto was great at it... How could he do this without knowing that Seto's great at this, and Yugi Moto is better?)  
  
(It's like in the book; someone's feeding him information for their own benefit. He can't be this good at programming and Duel Monsters and be too stupid to recognise that this is a spectacularly stupid plan. This plan can't help him at all. It's completely doomed to failure.)  
  
(So whom is it designed to help?)  
  
Mokuba looked at Noah, who was trying to pull himself together, and knew that he was right.  
  
(Pegasus was manipulated, too, Jacob said. By that guy who gave him the Millenium Eye. Yeah, that was a damn stupid thing to do, give the mentally unstable guy an evil magic eye. No way he wouldn't know it'd make Peggy more unstable.)  
  
(Could he even really have brought that girl back?) Mokuba thought suddenly. (If he'd done whatever he was doing...)  
  
(He was trying to take over the company! And we don't do ressurection! No, no, no. Same thing with Peggy. Not smart enough to come up with such a stupid plan.)  
  
(And this Marik guy? Well, maybe not, but I wouldn't be surprised. People who try to beat Yugi have this really pronounced tendency to get their butts kicked.)  
  
(People who try to beat Yugi...) Mokuba froze.  
  
Noah, who had just shakily said something meant to affect Mokuba, was very buoyed by this fact, unaware that Mokuba didn't even know he'd said anything at all.  
  
(Seto,) Mokuba thought. (Seto.)  
  
(That thing with testing the card without the safeties-- that didn't do him any good. Couldn't have. It was completely pointless, and all it did-- was help convince me that he's crazy. Like this vendetta against Yugi. A lot of times-- with a lot of things-- I don't think even he knows what he's doing--)  
  
(Oh my God.) Mokuba felt sick. (Oh my God.)  
  
(Something's manipulating Seto.)  
  
Mokuba started shaking. (Oh, no. Hell no.)  
  
Noah was talking, something about some sort of satellite. Mokuba didn't care.  
  
(Seto...)  
  
(I can't let them do this to him. I will not let this happen! Whatever they want, they can go-- I don't know, die in some gruesome and really painful way or something, but THEY AREN'T GETTING WHAT THEY WANT!)  
  
(They aren't playing with my big brother, dammit! This will end, and they will pay! Whoever they are, hell with them! You can't play with my big brother!)  
  
Mokuba stared into the flames, filled with fury.  
  
(-)  
  
17.  
  
Spoilers: Same as above.  
  
(-)  
  
/How did I not know Joey could drive?/  
  
/It never came up./  
  
/Still. How'd he learn, anyway?/  
  
/I wouldn't know./  
  
/Weird.../  
  
/What are we doing, anyway?/  
  
/Chasing after Kaiba./  
  
/Why?/  
  
/Nowhere else to go. Unless we look for Tristan, and he's likely to be where Noah is, isn't he?/  
  
/Um, no, not really./  
  
/Er.../  
  
/Yugi. Why really aren't we looking for Tristan?/  
  
/'Cause we've got to make sure Kaiba turns out okay, because our lives'll be a lot harder if he doesn't. And also.../  
  
/Yes?/  
  
/I've got this crazy feeling... that we already found him./  
  
/What??/  
  
/It's absolutely crazy, I know, but--/  
  
/Yugi. Lesson One. NONE of your feelings are crazy!/  
  
/How could he be with us, though? Unless he's the truck, or a bug, or--/  
  
/Or that very helpful little monkey?/  
  
/No way./  
  
/No way? Yugi, have you been paying attention at all? He helps us, understands what we're saying, and jumps into Serenity's arms./  
  
/Well, yeah, he understands what we're saying, but.../  
  
/Why not? Is there anything it's done that's not consistent with it being Tristan, trapped inside a robot monkey?/  
  
/Wouldn't Tristan have tried to talk, or write on the ground, or something?/  
  
/Yes, you'd think so, but it is Tristan.../  
  
/Yami!!/  
  
Yami sighed to himself. /I'm sorry./  
  
Yugi paused. Something in the way he'd said-- thought that made it seem that he was apologising for far more than slighting Tristan. /Yami, what is it?/  
  
/We should never have let them come./  
  
/Here? We didn't have much of a choice./  
  
/Any of this. We shouldn't have let them come. Kaiba's tournament, Pegasus's tournament.../  
  
/They wouldn't ever have stayed away./  
  
/Then we should have made them. Yugi, the stakes are getting higher./  
  
/Yeah... I know./  
  
/And there's a point at which we'll have to make them stay away. Maybe we've already passed it./  
  
/Yami--/  
  
/Look at Mai, look at Tristan, look at what's happened to them. We're going to have to fix this, and then we're going to have to make sure they stay out of the next round./  
  
/How could we do that? Knock them unconscious? Pretend we hate them?/  
  
/Yes./  
  
/We can't do that!/  
  
/We have to! They've been involved in too much already./  
  
/That's not our fault./  
  
/It is. They're trying to use our friends against us, and there's no way to stop them./  
  
/You're not saying.../  
  
/A time is going to come, Yugi, when we'll have to drive them away for their own good./  
  
/No./  
  
/I can't let anyone else get hurt just bacause they want me!/  
  
/...Including me, right?/  
  
/I.../  
  
/Including me. Don't you get it, Yami? There are some people you can't drive away./  
  
/I'm sure as hell going to try./  
  
/You can't buy me out of this, Yami. I'm as much a part of it as you are./  
  
/We don't know that./  
  
/I do. I don't know what you are, or what I am, or why they want you, but I'm in this way too deep. You're never getting rid of me, Yami. Try if you want, but it'll never work./  
  
/.../ Yugi was right. This did not in any way make Yami feel better.  
  
Yugi realized why. /It's a heck of a responsibility./  
  
/Yes./  
  
/You can do it, Yami. We can do it./  
  
And Yami knew there was no way to get rid of him, even if they both tried, which they wouldn't. It was too late, they were too far gone.  
  
/Why, why, why do they all want us?.../  
  
/This one wants Kaiba./  
  
/Doesn't matter./  
  
/No.../  
  
/None of this really matters.../  
  
Yami knew that this Noah child was watching them. Wearily, he glanced with Yugi across the sky. There-- that was where Noah was taking his view from. And he couldn't do a damn thing about it.  
  
Well, he could do one thing. He glared up at the sky-- then closed his eyes and shook his head a bit.  
  
"Dumb," he muttered wearily to himself, and looked away.  
  
(-) 


	4. And Just a Couple More

18.  
  
(-)  
  
"Whose side are we on?" Joey asked.  
  
Yugi sighed, tired of the whole damn thing. "To tell the truth, I'm honestly not sure. I don't know, we're on the side that gets us out of this place and then leaves us alone."  
  
"I don' think that side exists," Joey said, bemused. "I mean, th' kid wins, I don't really know what he'll do. I mean, he won't want our bodies, right? Bein' evil an' treacherous and all, he probably won't give us to his flunkies, either. Suppose he might trap us here or somethin', but I dunno. An' if Kaiba wins, we'll get out of here, all right--probably--but then we've still got that stupid tournament thing, so he'll never leave us alone."  
  
Yugi smiled. "Yeah, exactly."  
  
"So I guess we're on our own side." Joey looked at the battle thoughtfully.  
  
"Yeah, who knew Kaiba was such a jerk?" Tristan piped up thoughtfully.  
  
"Shuddup, you treacherous Noah robo-vermin!!!" Joey yelled, shaking a fist.  
  
Tristan squeaked and huddled closer to Serenity, who glared at her brother. "God, Joey! Go easy on him! Even if he isn't Tristan, that's not his fault."  
  
The monkey-robot's pixelated face made a face at Joey that was hard to decipher, but, Yugi decided, was probably a raspberry. This in mind, he edged Joey aside.  
  
"Joey," he said quietly, "I could be wrong, but I really do believe that's Tristan."  
  
"Yeah, me too," Joey said calmly. He glanced over Yugi's head, saw the Tristan monkey-robot looking at him, and waved his fist menacingly, glaring.  
  
Yugi blinked. "Wha? Then-- then why do you keep yelling at him?"  
  
"Because he's Tristan," Joey said, as if it was obvious.  
  
Yugi blinked some more. "Um, you'll have to explain that a little."  
  
"He really thinks he can put the put the moves on S'renity without tellin' me?" Joey scoffed. "An' he thinks I won't notice? An' then he gets his butt kicked in a duel an' scares my little sister to death? An' now he gets ta use this to his advantage? Let 'im suffer a little, man."  
  
Yugi broke into surprised laughter.  
  
"Seriously, maybe it'll make me look stupid later, but it's worth it."  
  
Yugi nodded, partly out of happiness that he seemed to be right. Joey thought it was Tristan, too; maybe he wasn't crazy.  
  
/I try to tell you these things, and you never listen./  
  
/Hush./  
  
"So where are we?" Joey asked.  
  
Yugi blinked. "What do you mean?"  
  
"I don't mean place-wise, 'cause we can all figure that out for ourselves; this place, you don't know any better than we do. I mean-- in terms of strategy, y'know, with the people. Whose side should we be on? What should we be doing, who should we trust?"  
  
"Uh, isn't at least some of that the sort of thing you have to decide for yourself?"  
  
"Yeah, but-- I think I speak for everyone when I say I'd kinda like ta hear what Yami thinks about all this."  
  
"And what am I?" Yugi asked, slightly angry. "You don't want to know what I think?"  
  
"Uh, Yug'..." Joey scratched his head. "You're really great at this, with the strategy an' all, you know we know that, but... First of all, this kind of junk is what Yami does best. Well, for all I know, maybe not, but it's hard t'imagine anythin' being done better. I mean, this-- this is his gig, man, this started with him and it's gonna end with him, I'm sure, all of this. And there's the whole thousand-year-old thing, kinda makes him an authority figure in all this."  
  
Téa and the monkey nodded. Duke and Serenity stared at Joey, wondering what the hell he was talking about.  
  
"An', uh, no offense, man, but you trust everybody." Joey scratched his head, already sheepish.  
  
"Excuse me?!"  
  
"What about that thing a couple weeks ago, with the 'fortuneteller'?" Téa said thoughtfully.  
  
"YOU BELIEVED HIM TOO!"  
  
"And nobody's asking for my opinion, either!"  
  
Yugi sighed.  
  
"Yeah!" Duke said, having figured out at least one part of the conversation. "Whatever you're talking about, we do need to come up with a cohesive strategy."  
  
"Think you're so damn smart, using words like 'cohesive'..." Tristan muttered.  
  
"And fast," Duke said, ignoring him.  
  
"All right then."  
  
Everyone but Yugi spun around. There, quietly leaning against the truck, was the translucent figure of Yami.  
  
He shrugged. "Ask."  
  
"...Who the hell are you?!" Duke sputtered.  
  
Yami sighed. "I thought I was finished with this conversation..."  
  
Yugi, fortunately, had been devoting a great deal of his spare time to attempting to come up with a shortish answer to that very question. "He's a ghost. He used to be a Pharoah in Egypt, but then he got trapped in the Millenium Puzzle-- this thing--" Yugi held it up. "--so he's an ancient ghost and for some reason I can apparently channel him."  
  
Yugi paused, trying to think if there was anything he'd missed. "And his name is Yami."  
  
"We think," Yami added.  
  
"Yaamii! I had it under forty words!!"  
  
"It was forty-one, but I will admit that's an accomplishment."  
  
"So I can probably get it to at least thirty-nine..."  
  
Duke stared at them like they were crazy. At this point, he had little reason to believe they weren't.  
  
"...Hi Yami," said Serenity.  
  
Yami inclined his head to her. "Is that all?"  
  
"...How the hell is that possible?!" Duke cried.  
  
"We really have no idea," said Yami.  
  
"Not a clue," Yugi reinforced.  
  
"But since it has happened, it is, hopefully, possible."  
  
"Though for all we know it might not be."  
  
"We're having a bad time," Yami summarized.  
  
"Right, I think that's enough background," Joey said, taking over. "So. How much do you trust Seto Kaiba?"  
  
Yami laughed mirthlessly. "I don't."  
  
Joey nodded. "'Cause he doesn't give a damn about us and he's still got the tournament."  
  
"Essentially. Also, he is far too easily manipulated."  
  
Joey blinked. "Really?"  
  
"You must remember that first time we dueled him," Yami said calmly. "He was utterly irrational. He was being controlled then, and I doubt that he's ever realized it, even now. And it is possible that there is something else that has never stopped controlling him..."  
  
Joey was stunned. (This,) he thought, (is more like it. This is the kind of thing we need to hear.)  
  
"Perhaps it's paranoia... But sometimes, all of these things seem to happen... too perfectly..."  
  
"Wha d'you mean?" Joey asked warily.  
  
"Pegasus, for instance. Why on earth was he attempting to take over KaibaCorp? How could that possibly have helped him? He said his goal was to gather the Millenium Items, but that he could have accomplished on his own, and another corporation couldn't possibly have helped him. It makes no sense. It doesn't even make sense that he got the Millenium Eye in the first place..."  
  
"The Millenium Eye?" Duke asked blankly.  
  
"The gold thing," Téa said, and pointed to her own eye.  
  
"...Oh."  
  
"Why on earth would you give such a powerful magical object to someone who was so obviously unbal-- distraught?" Yami shot a mild diagnostic glance at Duke, to see just how sensitive he still was to mention of Pegasus. Duke, he concluded, was still a little touchy, but mostly safe. "It would be a rather incredibly stupid thing to do. And in this context, we can use the word 'incredibly' literally."  
  
"He means we can't seriously believe someone would be that stupid on their own," Yugi translated.  
  
"Do I really need translation?"  
  
"Yes," Joey said, "and please drop it."  
  
"...Right."  
  
"And what about Mokuba?" Joey asked. He knew he was changing the subject, but since he was changing it back to what it had been in the first place, he didn't feel too guilty.  
  
"What about him?"  
  
"Should we trust him?"  
  
"Now? Absolutely. In the future? It will all depend on the context. He's very bright, and he truly is a friend of ours, but his first priority will probably always be his brother. He's not even going to make any attempt to hide it. He doesn't need to."  
  
Joey blinked. "Huh?"  
  
"All you will have to do to predict Mokuba's actions," Yami explained, "will be to determine what is in the best interest of his brother. However, that is a less simple position than one would think. You have to realize that Seto Kaiba by no means consistently acts in his own best interest."  
  
"So you're saying that, uh, if Kaiba was goin' to go up to some rickety space station, you'd think Mokuba would support 'im, but he'd be more'n willing to help anyone who wanted t'duel 'im, just t'keep him here on Earth," Joey said slowly.  
  
Yami smiled and nodded.  
  
"So Mokuba's all for Kaiba, but he's not necessarily gonna think that what Kaiba's workin' for is good for him."  
  
"I believe that's what I said."  
  
"Right," Joey said, "I think I knew that, but not in those words."  
  
"Liar," Tristan said.  
  
"SHUDDUP, DEMONIC NOAH ROBO-VERMIN!!" Joey screamed at him.  
  
"Joey!!" Serenity cuddled the monkey and glared at Joey accusingly. "Let up on him already! He's a robotic monkey, for crying out loud!"  
  
"An' what's so bad about that?"  
  
"Look at him, for heaven's sake!"  
  
Joey grinned at Tristan's expression. "Yeah, poor sap. Anyway. How about the monkey? Should we trust him, or run over 'im with the truck?"  
  
"JOEY!" Serenity yelled.  
  
"Or maybe we could throw 'im in a river."  
  
"I don't remember seeing any rivers nearby," Yami said, not bothering to restrain a smile.  
  
"Yeah, well, there's gotta be one around here somewhere. Or I could see how far I can throw him!"  
  
"Him!" Serenity latched onto the word.  
  
"A'course him!" Joey retorted.  
  
"You think it's Tristan too!" Serenity cried victoriously.  
  
"Of COURSE I think it's Tristan! Why the hell else would I be threatenin' him so much? Jeeze!" Joey rolled his eyes.  
  
"Any other questions?" Yami asked, smiling to himself.  
  
"Yeah, what the hell did Joey just say?" Serenity asked, staring at him.  
  
"I said get your face outta my sister's chest, ya PUNK!" Joey threw a pebble at Tristan.  
  
Tristan made a strange electronic squeaking noise. "What?! You know it's ME in here?! And you've been threatening me all day?!!?!"  
  
"I don't know it's you in there, but I'd bet on it."  
  
"AND YOU'VE BEEN THREATENING ME ALL DAY?!?!??!!"  
  
"AND THAT DIDN'T TELL YA I KNEW IT WAS YOU?!??!!"  
  
Téa raised her hand. "What's with this Noah person, anyway?"  
  
"He wants Kaiba's company," Yami explained, ignoring Joey and Tristan's rapidly escalating argument. "I believe he claimed to be related to the last Kaiba tyrant, but he could have been lying."  
  
"Okay," Téa said, "thanks."  
  
"Are we ever going to get out of here?" Serenity asked plaintively, attempting to drag a straining Tristan back by the tail.  
  
"Noah is an utter imbecile, so yes, I would assume so."  
  
"But then what do we do?" she asked, changing tactics and throwing Tristan in the air.  
  
Yugi answered that one. "If we're really, really lucky, Marik will get so angry with Noah for disrupting the tournament that he'll run off to kill him and let us all go home..."  
  
"Which is not going to happen, but it is a heartening thought..." Yami noted.  
  
"If we're really, really unlucky, Marik will kill us all and take whatever he's looking for..."  
  
"A tactic that will never occur to him and, I can assure you, would fail miserably if it did..." Yami commented.  
  
"If we're really lucky, Marik will get beaten by someone else and be so depressed about it that he gives us Mai's soul back and leaves to become a monk..."  
  
"None of which will happen..." Yami qualified.  
  
"If we're really unlucky, Marik will beat us in a duel..."  
  
Yami laughed, and let that suffice.  
  
"And if our luck holds steady, we'll have to duel him, but we'll beat him."  
  
"You have it reasoned out that far?" Téa asked, amazed.  
  
"Further," they said, regretfully.  
  
"It's a prerequisite for the course," Yami explained sadly.  
  
Yugi went to resolve Joey and Tristan's argument by whispering a suggestion to Téa. Téa nodded and walked up to Joey, who was yelling at Tristan and being restrained by Duke. Calmly, she smacked him upside the head.  
  
"Guys!" she said to both of them. "Hello! This is your stewardess for the flight. Due to the fact that we are not only off-course but also two of the engines are on fire, I would like to ask all passengers if they would please refrain from killing each other until we land back at home. That okay?" she said sweetly.  
  
Joey reluctantly shut up. Tristan kept yelling-- until Serenity hit him upside the head. Then he, too, subsided.  
  
As they dispersed, they noticed that Yami had disappeared.  
  
"Where does he go, anyway?" Joey asked, unnerved.  
  
"...You've got to have a frame of reference," Yugi said.  
  
Joey wanted to argue that point, but couldn't, and so they settled down to watch Seto Kaiba win the duel.  
  
(-)  
  
19.  
  
Spoilers: Up to the episode which could be titled: "Karma, Meet Kaiba. Kaiba, This is Karma." Or, more specifically, the-- I'm fairly sure it's the second episode of the Noah v. Seto duel. If you've gotten over chuckling that Noah had an Ark at the very end of the episode, you're too early.  
  
Notes:  
I'm calling Ryou Bakura Ryou, and the spirit of the Ring Bakura. I dunno, the way the dub's going, it doesn't seem very logical to call him Yami Bakura. So... Whatever. ; Same logic with Marik, except they're both called Marik. Which is... odd. ;;;; Yeah.  
  
(-)  
  
/Yugi, I'm going to see if I can do something./  
  
/You mean you're not watching the duel?/  
  
/No, I don't really care enough./  
  
/But it's very exciting./  
  
/Yugi, if I do watch this duel, do you know what will happen?/  
  
/Uh, I guess not./  
  
/I will almost undoubtably encourage Noah Kaiba./  
  
/Noah?!/  
  
/I've thought it over, and for the moment, I've decided I like Seto even less./  
  
/But you wouldn't cheer him on./  
  
/I'd try to help him to win./  
  
/...Have a nice time, then./  
  
/Thank you./ Yami neglected to mention that he was almost certain he wouldn't.  
  
This space... What exactly was it? Was it anything at all? An illusion... Well, of course it was an illusion, a transparent one, though no doubt it looked far more real to Yugi and his friends than it did to him. It was easily explained; he, Yami, had not been accounted for. This world was-- some sort of electricity running through some computer, and it looked 'real' because their minds were being told that it was.  
  
But according to the program, Yami didn't exist. There was no way to feed anything into his mind, except for when he saw the world through Yugi. The metaphysics were completely beyond him, but they hadn't always been...  
  
(So this is not a dimension. It is, at most, some sort of subset of the normal one. I doubt it's even that. To the ones without bodies, it may be a dimension. But for us, it is merely a delusion.)  
  
He wasn't absolutely sure how he knew that, but he did, and he knew it was true.  
  
(So it should be no trouble...)  
  
Yami closed his eyes, and woke up. He looked around.  
  
(The blimp... So I was right.) And he could hear Marik yelling at the engineers.  
  
"What sort of fools are you?! Get them back here!!"  
  
"We can't," a high female voice said patiently.  
  
"And why not?!"  
  
"We could rip them out of the program," said a man, "but it would probably kill them. So what would be the point?"  
  
"If you want to duel them," said another voice, "you'll have to wait for them to win. Which can't possibly take much longer."  
  
"You could try to kill Noah while you're waiting," the man offered. "Can you get into the computer world?"  
  
"It would speed things up..." the first woman said doubtfully.  
  
"And help us all a great deal," the second woman added, without remorse.  
  
"Don't blame us if you can't," the man said-- rather foolishly, in Yami's opinion.  
  
That, of course, did not end the discussion; Marik yelled something at the people, who yelled back. The people-- probably flight attendants or the pilots or engineers--seemed to be just in their league, just barely able to hold out against him. And, Yami noted, they were bright enough to refuse any duels. Without that, there was little Marik could do to them. Except kill them.  
  
(But they're safe; he needs them, and it's not his style...)  
  
So he'd learned two things here. One was that the blimp was all right, the situation relatively stable. Secondly...  
  
(Logic. I'm not visible. I can't touch anything, and I can't speak. Normally I could... but normally Yugi would be here, and he's elsewhere. For all practical purposes, at least. So I'm ridiculously dependent on Yugi; nothing new...)  
  
But there was one place where that didn't apply, and he'd intended to visit, anyway. Like this, it was second nature to enter the Shadow Realm.  
  
Marik had a section of this place... there was some reason why, which escaped him. It was possible for someone else to take someone out of that sector, but it took knowledge, work, and time, and Yami was short of all three. He was sure he could do it if it was necessary, but the direct route-- beating Marik-- would be easier.  
  
But there was little to stop him from visiting.  
  
And so he found her, suspended in some sort of diamond above the beach.  
  
Mai looked at him, something strange about her eyes. "Hi."  
  
"Hello," he replied, and looked around. There was some sort of party on the beach-- that was them having a party-- but Mai was facing away, to the sea.  
  
"Are you that guy again?" she asked.  
  
"Hmm?" He glanced at her.  
  
"The jerk, with the... I can hardly remember... Why is it so hard?" She concentrated. "The blonde guy who said I'd forget everything. You're not him."  
  
"No," he said, slightly chilled by Mai's strange state of mind.  
  
"I'm supposed to be looking at them," she said, gesturing at the beach. "And I did for a while, and I didn't like it. But then I turned away. And now I don't know why it bothered me so much, except it does make me a little lonely. But I don't see what's so special about that; I always have been. Was this supposed to be a punishment?..."  
  
"A badly constructed one," Yami said, slightly surprised that Marik hadn't seen this loophole.  
  
"But what did I do?" she asked, looking up at him like a child.  
  
Yami pondered that for a moment. "You stood up," he finally said.  
  
"And that's all it took?" Mai said quizzically.  
  
"He's used to destroying everything in his path."  
  
"And I guess he has." Mai looked troubled, defeated. "I don't even remember my name anymore."  
  
"Your name is Mai," Yami told her.  
  
"Mai." She grabbed onto the fact, held it with a fierce concentration. "That's right! My name is Mai. How did I forget that?" Her eyes narrowed, a lot more like the Mai Yami knew. "--I know how I forgot that. And I'm not going to forget it ever again."  
  
"He hasn't destroyed you," Yami told her, staring at her somberly. "You're still who you are, even if you don't remember why. I know; I know you."  
  
"You do?" She looked up. "Are you Joey?"  
  
He shook his head. "He doesn't know how to come here yet, but he'll learn, and we'll get you out of here. We will get you out of here."  
  
"And then I'll kill that man," Mai said simply.  
  
"Assuming no one else does first," Yami said, smiling faintly. "The waiting list is fairly long. But I won't stop you."  
  
She looked at him. "How did you get here?"  
  
"It's something I can do," he answered, noticing the first faint indications that something had found him where he was not supposed to be.  
  
"And why did you come?"  
  
"Because I can. And I wanted you to know... we all want you to know... we're working on getting you out of here. We've been sidetracked, but we will get you out."  
  
"I believe you," she said, and meant it.  
  
"My thanks." He bowed his head. "But I have to leave now. He will find me."  
  
"Then what the hell are you waiting for?" Mai asked. "Get out!"  
  
And, regretfully, Yami did.  
  
(What a fool this Marik is...) Yami thought angrily. (He thinks he can destroy anything in his path... Not anymore...)  
  
Something yanked him from his path--  
  
Startled, he fell into another part of Marik's sector.  
  
"You!" said the evil form of Bakura."What the hell are you waiting for, get us out of here!"  
  
"What the hell are you doing here?!" Yami asked.  
  
"We're here," Ryou said acidly, "because he's an idiot."  
  
"For five damn minutes! Would you shut up??" Bakura yelled.  
  
"Make me," Ryou said sweetly.  
  
"YOU JUST WAIT UNTIL WE GET OUT OF HERE!!"  
  
"Could you two stop bickering?!" the original Marik yelled. "It's getting very annoying!"  
  
Yami tried not to smile at Bakura's predicament. He completely failed. "How did you get here?"  
  
"Wipe that damn smile off your face!!" Bakura yelled.  
  
"The Wise and Mighty King of Ancient Bandits here decided to duel Marik," Ryou explained, shooting a black glare at his counterpart.  
  
"Then why is he here?" Yami asked.  
  
"He's not Marik, you idiot," Bakura snapped.  
  
"Oh! Really? And here I thought it was, even when I know Marik is in the real world and would have threatened me by now! He doesn't seem at all different to me! Dear Lord! I am dense!"  
  
"Don't use sarcasm," Ryou said. "It'll fly right over his head."  
  
"You talk too much," Bakura snapped.  
  
"He's the other Marik, less evil to some degree. I didn't fall out of the Puzzle yesterday, you know. But why is he here?"  
  
Marik sighed. "I was trying to help him," he explained, gesturing at Bakura.  
  
Yami laughed. "Wow, did you back the wrong horse."  
  
"I am now aware of that," Marik said darkly.  
  
"Shut up!!" Bakura yelled.  
  
"I tried to tell him!" Ryou cried. "I asked him, what makes you trust him? and he said, he knows Marik's plans. And I said, why the heck do you think that? I don't know your plans. And he said, he'll help me use this card. And I asked him, why do you think he can? And he said, because he's Marik. And I said, but I can't steal souls, and you can! And then he called me a moron and shoved me in my room."  
  
"That's about how it went," Marik admitted.  
  
"AND WHO'S SORRY NOW?!" Ryou yelled.  
  
"I'M SORRY YOU WERE EVER BORN!!" Bakura roared.  
  
"EXACTLY! YOU!"  
  
"SHUT UP!"  
  
"BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP!!" Marik yelled.  
  
"ALL of you shut up!!" Yami yelled.  
  
"SHUT UP!" they yelled back.  
  
"Oh for God's..." Yami put his head in his hand. "Could we talk like civilized people?"  
  
"He isn't civilized," Ryou said.  
  
"Civilization is overrated," snapped Bakura.  
  
"How about we just agree that nobody will say 'shut up' again?" Yami suggested.  
  
"Whatever," said Bakura.  
  
"The wrong horse," Marik muttered to himself.  
  
"Shu--" Bakura paused. "Bite me."  
  
"Why am I here?" Yami asked, half rhetorically.  
  
"Our Lady of the Brilliant Plans wanted you to get us out of here," Ryou explained.  
  
"Did you just call me a lady?" Bakura asked dangerously.  
  
"Indeed I did."  
  
"When we get out of this place..."  
  
"Look," Yami said, "I'm sorry, but to get you out of here, I would have to break into his space. That would take time that I don't have."  
  
"Why haven't you beaten him yet, since you're so damn good?" Bakura demanded.  
  
"We've been sidetracked."  
  
"By what?!"  
  
"Seto Kaiba has a half-brother," Yami explained serenely. "This half-brother wants the company. In some strange, twisted leap of logic, this half-brother has sucked us into a virtual world in order to duel Seto Kaiba and get it."  
  
Bakura blinked. "He's trying to duel Seto Kaiba."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"To get his company."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"In a virtual world."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Dear god, he's stupider than you are," Ryou said, awed.  
  
"Bite me," Bakura replied.  
  
"And he seems to think he's hyper-intelligent," Yami said.  
  
"What gave him that delusion?" Marik snorted. "That plan is transparently stupid, and I know nothing about either of them."  
  
"Indeed; he seems to think that attacking his enemy at his strongest point is wise. Though he has been making some attempt at the weakest."  
  
"But why is that stopping you?" Ryou asked.  
  
"Simple; he brought us along with him."  
  
"Him too?" Marik asked.  
  
"Him?"  
  
"Marik," Bakura explained. "They brought along Marik and he hasn't ripped the guy to pieces?"  
  
"Everyone was brought along, save the engineers, pilots, and him," Yami qualified.  
  
"Has he killed the pilots yet?" Marik asked fatalistically.  
  
"No."  
  
"It's just a matter of time."  
  
"The engineers seem to be skillfully deflecting him. Barely."  
  
"It's very confusing that you two have the same name," Ryou commented.  
  
Marik shrugged. "I think he has a name, but I can't pronounce it and I don't care. Or... One or the other. I-- can't actually remember, but I won't lose any sleep over it."  
  
"We could call him dung-head," Bakura proposed sullenly.  
  
"You've been calling him that all along," Ryou said. "Except in slightly different words."  
  
"And would you like to tell me that name isn't apt?"  
  
Ryou considered that. "Not really."  
  
"So?"  
  
"So you were right," Ryou sighed.  
  
"There's one thing that still confuses me--"  
  
"ONE thing?" Bakura said, incredulous.  
  
Yami glared at him. "Why didn't Marik attempt to put you in some sort of hell, as he has done with all his other victims?"  
  
"He did," Bakura and Marik chorused.  
  
"Then what happened?"  
  
"He has," Bakura clarified. "See?" Bakura swung at Ryou, who didn't even flinch. And for good reason; Bakura's fist passed right through.  
  
"Indeed," Yami said, amused. "You are stuck with each other, you cannot do anything about it, and you are forced to rely on me for help. Marik is a truly evil soul."  
  
"He doesn't have a soul," Marik snapped.  
  
"I'm having a pretty good time, myself," Ryou said, surprised, like it had just occured to him.  
  
"Shut up," said Bakura.  
  
"Well," Yami said, "I'll put you on my list. But I must leave. Noah Kaiba is battling Seto Kaiba."  
  
"I'll bet it's riveting," Bakura said sourly.  
  
"Not really," Yami answered. "But if I want to ever get out of Noah's playpen, I shall have to attend."  
  
"Have a nice time," Ryou said brightly.  
  
"Burn in hell," Bakura muttered, and Yami wasn't sure who he meant. Possibly everyone. It didn't much matter.  
  
"Until later," Yami said, and returned to the illusion. 


End file.
